Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Missing camp

I am missing camp today. Missing not being the only one ticcing and missing feeling "normal". The number one thing I love about camp is being there for the kids and forming amazing bonds with them. The number two thing I love is forming amazing and lasting relationships with the other counselors. And the number three thing I love is feeling normal. Well these things are all so amazing, I really do hate ranking them. All of things things are really of equal
I try as much as I can to separate my tics from myself and remind myself that Tourette's is a part of me but it doesn't define me. Today though I'm feeling different. I've been having a lot of vocal tics in my classes lately, which I think is the cause of the way i'm feeling. I know that no matter how much I tic, i'm still me, but sometimes I feel the tics are winning and making me very "different" from everyone else. Today that's pretty much how I felt. As I sat in my classroom vocal ticcing away, I looked around at everyone else (who are all used to my vocal tics by this point) and thought about how strange it is that they're all sitting there silently and with their bodies completely under their control, and i'm sitting there jerking my arms, squealing, and barking. I think about how the first day I gave my TS speech in class, they probably went home and told a friend or their mom over the phone that that have someone with Tourette's in one of their classes, and that that person they're talking about is me. 
I feel singled out today, and alone. I feel like other people seem as the girl with Tourette's or they think that having Tourette's makes me this person with a "disability". I don't feel like someone with a disability. I just feel like me. 
I know i'm kind of rambling, but i'm just writing out my thoughts. I know this page is supposed to be a place for other people to come and be encouraged and I know this is not so much an encouraging post. I am realistic though. I want to show the good days and the bad. Just because I have Tourette's doesn't mean I am always positive about it or always feel great about having it. It doesn't mean i'm an inspirational person or that it's inspiring how I deal with so much on a daily basis. I'm just a human on this earth moving forward in life like everyone else, and like everyone else i'm not positive about everything every day. Every day I don't wake up thinking "I have tourettes but tourettes doesnt have me". Today I just feel different. Today I just feel like I don't want to be "the girl with Tourette's". I want people to see me for who I am, not the tics I have.

1 comment:

  1. Maybe it would be helpful if you thought that we are all supposed to be different. We are all supposed to be individuals - not alike. It doesn't matter that the other students seem to be in control and therefore "all the same". They too have inner struggles - it's just that yours are visible. And unique - to you. Hugs