Small update. Not much to report which is always a good thing when it comes to Tourette's! My tics haven't been too bad and i'm just trucking along/ trying to make the most out of my last year of college! Senior trip is next weekend which I can't believe! Going to Chicago with a group of my college friends. Should be fun. Also this week is Tourette's week in my images of disability class. I'm a little nervous/ hesitant to have the whole class viewing TS movies and discussing them, but I'm getting over my nerves because I know how cool it is to have a class of college students become educated about TS because of me smile emoticon
Showing posts with label College. Show all posts
Showing posts with label College. Show all posts
Monday, October 5, 2015
October!
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
More Before School Preparations: Senior year!
Today was my second meeting of the semester to talk to my professors about Tourette's! Two down, just one more to go! Both have gone excellently! This year i'm really making an effort not just to give my professors the basics, but also to give them some insight into what it's like for my to live with Tourette's and how they can make me feel more comfortable in the classroom. Sometimes its not all about helping them to understand what a tic is so they can properly ignore it. It's also about making them feel at ease about my tics and helping them to know how to make me feel more at ease about my tics.
One thing I've experienced in the past that makes me feel uncomfortable, is when a professor simply avoids eye contract with me all together for the entire semester pretty much. If i'm ticcing a lot, which I most always am in class, some professors think they will make me uncomfortable if they look at me. I might think they're looking at my tics or staring at me. However, this is not the case. What does make me feel incredible uncomfortable is if a professor avoids eye contact with me all together. This makes me feel different, avoided, and like the professor is ignoring me as a student all together instead of simply ignoring my tics. So this year I'm making sure to mention to my professors that I want them to make eye contact with me like they would with any other student, regardless of if i'm ticcing a lot. I tell them about how other professors in the past have avoided eye contact with me and how that makes me feel. Both professors so far that i've brought this up with have been extremely receptive about it. The more relaxed I am about telling my Professors about my tics and the more open I am about it, the more relaxed they are and the more questions they ask.
I want my professors, and others in general, to be comfortable with me and with my tics. I want them to be comfortable asking questions or bringing it up, instead of being so afraid they will offend me that they tip toe around the subject and avoid me all together. This is the exact opposite of the way I wish to be treated. As Brad Cohen says in Front of the class in response to his Principle's question of what the teachers and school can do, "I just want to be treated like everyone else".
Because I was relaxed and open about my Tourette's, the professor asked me questions and brought up some very interesting topics as well! He had read Oliver Sacks's chapter about the surgeon with Tourette's, which I had heard about but have not read. He told me I should read it and that he finds it fascinating how the surgeon didn't tic during surgery. I told him how I experience a similar thing when I'm focused and engaged with children such as when I volunteer at the hospital. It's like the part of the brain that's responsible for sending out the extra signals is too activated and engaged doing something else that it can't tic. On the other hand, I told him when i'm sitting passively or listening to a lecture or a movie I tend to tic more even if i'm highly focused on what i'm listening to because its a different kind of mental process or engagement. He also brought up that once he had a student in his class with Tourette's who had a tic where he said "Bull shit" and he responded to the students tic by saying "I know! This is bull shit! Even if the other students don't know it!". Hahaha, I laughed and told him I thought that was really funny! I love how relaxed he was about the whole thing. So different from those professors who just stare at me the whole time I'm telling them about Tourette's as if they were afraid of me. I've only had two professors do this, but boy does it make me feel uncomfortable.
On another note, going on campus to meet with my professor was the first time i've been on campus since the end of the school year in May. One part of me was glad to be back on campus and enjoying being in the familiar environment. The campus was beautiful like always and being a senior, it feels like i'm at home on campus. A freshman even asked me where the quad was and I told her I was a senior and don't remember what the quad even is! I also stopped by the starbucks and everyone from last year was there and was glad to see me. The manager was behind the counter and when she looked at my drink she looked up and said "I know this drink!". I told them I was glad to be back on campus but sad as well because this is my last year there. Another part of me felt very nervous. I was having a hard time with my tics and was doing a lot of vocal tics on campus. The feeling I get before I tic and while i'm ticcing was very strong and like that dropping/electrical feeling I get at the base of my stomach surging upward which was making my tics way worse of course. I felt nervous walking around on campus ticcing and tried to avoid walking close to people. A part of me worries that this is what it will be like walking around on campus more frequently this year because of how bad my tics are right now and how much stress I'm going to have this since i'm applying to graduate school.
Also tonight I found out that two of my sorority sisters are going to be in one of my psychology classes this year that I'm planning on speaking to about my Tourette's. This makes me so incredibly nervous because I'm worried they'll think i'm faking. I've never spent time with either of these sisters and the chapter is so big so they haven't seen me ticcing a whole bunch. They haven't been around me when i've had louder vocal tics and i've never had louder vocal tics in chapter events because if it's a day where i'm ticcing a lot I just won't go to chapter or i'll step out of chapter if I can't hold back my tics. Class is a whole different story because I can't hold back my tics in class otherwise I'll miss all the information because i'm focusing on holing my tics back so much. Being in class and fighting back tics the whole time would be useless because I wouln't learn anything or get anything out of being in class. I know they don't know this about Tourette's and i'm worried they will think "Oh well i've never seen her tic like this before so she just be faking". I wish I didn't care what they think so I could just tell the class and not have to be so nervous about it. I know I have to tell the class and I don't really have a choice in the matter if I want to be successful in the class. There's no way I could sit an hour and a half without doing vocal tics and also pay attention to what the professor is saying. If I would plan on doing that I might as well not show up to a single class and just read the text book, which would be a huge waste of my tuition.
I just have to tell myself that I have to tell the class if I want to have a successful semester. The classroom environemnt is a huge trigger for my tics, and I can't simply not tell the class about my Tourette's because i'm worried of what two people will think. Ultimately it doesn't matter what they think. They can think i'm faking all the want, but I have really do have Tourette's and I l really do ive with it every day and whatever they think doesn't change this fact. They don't understand how environment dependent tics are, they don't understand how much I fight back against my tics when i'm in certain social settings and what fighting my tics does to me later on in terms of the rebound effect. They don't understand the concept of being triggered by the environment or the classroom setting, they don't understand the waxing and waning of Tourette's, and they don't have to understand these things. Regardless of if they do or don't understand, I'm the one who has to live with Tourette's every day and i'm the one who has to be in that classroom doing the tics and dealing with the embarrassment, frustration, and other emotions that ticcing brings. I'm the one who will feel 100% better if the class knows about my Tourette's and if i'm able to feel okay about having tics in class rather than stepping out every 20 minutes to let 10x more tics out than I would have had in the first place had I not tried to fight them.
What matters in the end is how I feel. I understand triggering, environment dependency, waxing and waning, holding back/ fighting tics, the rebound effect, and all the other complextites of Tourette's. Regardless of if other people understand these things or not, they are real and they are part of the reality of living with Tourette's. Tourette's isn't just an involuntary movement or sound that happens comply uncorntolably at random intervals. It's so much more than that. It's so much more complicated. While I wish others understood the complexities of Tourette's, I understand that unless you live with it or have a close friend with it you will not understand these things. I can't let my perception of what others may think control me and control how I live my life. I am making assumptions about these two girls (that they will judge me, that they won't understand, that they will think i'm faking). I'm doing the same thing that I don't want them to do to me, make judgements and unfounded assumptions. I need to stop making these assumptions and just live my life without judgement of others and what their perceptions may be. Who knows, maybe one of them has a brother with Tourette's, a cousin with Tourette's, a best friend from high school with Tourette's. I just need to stay strong, stand up for myself, and do what is right for me this semester considering how my tics are acting up right now and may stay at this level for a while since this year is going to be a stressful one with grad school applications.
One thing I've experienced in the past that makes me feel uncomfortable, is when a professor simply avoids eye contract with me all together for the entire semester pretty much. If i'm ticcing a lot, which I most always am in class, some professors think they will make me uncomfortable if they look at me. I might think they're looking at my tics or staring at me. However, this is not the case. What does make me feel incredible uncomfortable is if a professor avoids eye contact with me all together. This makes me feel different, avoided, and like the professor is ignoring me as a student all together instead of simply ignoring my tics. So this year I'm making sure to mention to my professors that I want them to make eye contact with me like they would with any other student, regardless of if i'm ticcing a lot. I tell them about how other professors in the past have avoided eye contact with me and how that makes me feel. Both professors so far that i've brought this up with have been extremely receptive about it. The more relaxed I am about telling my Professors about my tics and the more open I am about it, the more relaxed they are and the more questions they ask.
I want my professors, and others in general, to be comfortable with me and with my tics. I want them to be comfortable asking questions or bringing it up, instead of being so afraid they will offend me that they tip toe around the subject and avoid me all together. This is the exact opposite of the way I wish to be treated. As Brad Cohen says in Front of the class in response to his Principle's question of what the teachers and school can do, "I just want to be treated like everyone else".
Because I was relaxed and open about my Tourette's, the professor asked me questions and brought up some very interesting topics as well! He had read Oliver Sacks's chapter about the surgeon with Tourette's, which I had heard about but have not read. He told me I should read it and that he finds it fascinating how the surgeon didn't tic during surgery. I told him how I experience a similar thing when I'm focused and engaged with children such as when I volunteer at the hospital. It's like the part of the brain that's responsible for sending out the extra signals is too activated and engaged doing something else that it can't tic. On the other hand, I told him when i'm sitting passively or listening to a lecture or a movie I tend to tic more even if i'm highly focused on what i'm listening to because its a different kind of mental process or engagement. He also brought up that once he had a student in his class with Tourette's who had a tic where he said "Bull shit" and he responded to the students tic by saying "I know! This is bull shit! Even if the other students don't know it!". Hahaha, I laughed and told him I thought that was really funny! I love how relaxed he was about the whole thing. So different from those professors who just stare at me the whole time I'm telling them about Tourette's as if they were afraid of me. I've only had two professors do this, but boy does it make me feel uncomfortable.
On another note, going on campus to meet with my professor was the first time i've been on campus since the end of the school year in May. One part of me was glad to be back on campus and enjoying being in the familiar environment. The campus was beautiful like always and being a senior, it feels like i'm at home on campus. A freshman even asked me where the quad was and I told her I was a senior and don't remember what the quad even is! I also stopped by the starbucks and everyone from last year was there and was glad to see me. The manager was behind the counter and when she looked at my drink she looked up and said "I know this drink!". I told them I was glad to be back on campus but sad as well because this is my last year there. Another part of me felt very nervous. I was having a hard time with my tics and was doing a lot of vocal tics on campus. The feeling I get before I tic and while i'm ticcing was very strong and like that dropping/electrical feeling I get at the base of my stomach surging upward which was making my tics way worse of course. I felt nervous walking around on campus ticcing and tried to avoid walking close to people. A part of me worries that this is what it will be like walking around on campus more frequently this year because of how bad my tics are right now and how much stress I'm going to have this since i'm applying to graduate school.
Also tonight I found out that two of my sorority sisters are going to be in one of my psychology classes this year that I'm planning on speaking to about my Tourette's. This makes me so incredibly nervous because I'm worried they'll think i'm faking. I've never spent time with either of these sisters and the chapter is so big so they haven't seen me ticcing a whole bunch. They haven't been around me when i've had louder vocal tics and i've never had louder vocal tics in chapter events because if it's a day where i'm ticcing a lot I just won't go to chapter or i'll step out of chapter if I can't hold back my tics. Class is a whole different story because I can't hold back my tics in class otherwise I'll miss all the information because i'm focusing on holing my tics back so much. Being in class and fighting back tics the whole time would be useless because I wouln't learn anything or get anything out of being in class. I know they don't know this about Tourette's and i'm worried they will think "Oh well i've never seen her tic like this before so she just be faking". I wish I didn't care what they think so I could just tell the class and not have to be so nervous about it. I know I have to tell the class and I don't really have a choice in the matter if I want to be successful in the class. There's no way I could sit an hour and a half without doing vocal tics and also pay attention to what the professor is saying. If I would plan on doing that I might as well not show up to a single class and just read the text book, which would be a huge waste of my tuition.
I just have to tell myself that I have to tell the class if I want to have a successful semester. The classroom environemnt is a huge trigger for my tics, and I can't simply not tell the class about my Tourette's because i'm worried of what two people will think. Ultimately it doesn't matter what they think. They can think i'm faking all the want, but I have really do have Tourette's and I l really do ive with it every day and whatever they think doesn't change this fact. They don't understand how environment dependent tics are, they don't understand how much I fight back against my tics when i'm in certain social settings and what fighting my tics does to me later on in terms of the rebound effect. They don't understand the concept of being triggered by the environment or the classroom setting, they don't understand the waxing and waning of Tourette's, and they don't have to understand these things. Regardless of if they do or don't understand, I'm the one who has to live with Tourette's every day and i'm the one who has to be in that classroom doing the tics and dealing with the embarrassment, frustration, and other emotions that ticcing brings. I'm the one who will feel 100% better if the class knows about my Tourette's and if i'm able to feel okay about having tics in class rather than stepping out every 20 minutes to let 10x more tics out than I would have had in the first place had I not tried to fight them.
What matters in the end is how I feel. I understand triggering, environment dependency, waxing and waning, holding back/ fighting tics, the rebound effect, and all the other complextites of Tourette's. Regardless of if other people understand these things or not, they are real and they are part of the reality of living with Tourette's. Tourette's isn't just an involuntary movement or sound that happens comply uncorntolably at random intervals. It's so much more than that. It's so much more complicated. While I wish others understood the complexities of Tourette's, I understand that unless you live with it or have a close friend with it you will not understand these things. I can't let my perception of what others may think control me and control how I live my life. I am making assumptions about these two girls (that they will judge me, that they won't understand, that they will think i'm faking). I'm doing the same thing that I don't want them to do to me, make judgements and unfounded assumptions. I need to stop making these assumptions and just live my life without judgement of others and what their perceptions may be. Who knows, maybe one of them has a brother with Tourette's, a cousin with Tourette's, a best friend from high school with Tourette's. I just need to stay strong, stand up for myself, and do what is right for me this semester considering how my tics are acting up right now and may stay at this level for a while since this year is going to be a stressful one with grad school applications.
Monday, August 17, 2015
Expanded Reality
Today I met with an amazing professor. She has not only made me feel incredibly welcome in the class, but our interaction is helping me to feel more confident about Tourette's and my tics going into my senior year. I expected her to be understanding since it's a course about how disability is portrayed in the media and in literature, but I didn't expect the incredibly amazing response I got when I sent out my usual introduction email.
This was her initial response to my email ""Thanks for contacting me. I’d love to meet with you. I have some familiarity with Tourette Syndrome and welcome the opportunity to find out more from you and discuss accommodations. If you choose to disclose in the class, it would be a great learning opportunity for everyone. If you choose to maintain privacy, that is entirely fine too. I’m sure you know what works best and is most comfortable for you."
As I said before, just reading this email helped me to feel like my tics are not a nuisance or annoying, but instead am adding something valuable to the class just by being there. Additionally she has now asked to include a piece about Tourette's (a video clip or a film, either Front of the Class or I have Tourettes but Tourettes doesn't have me) which i'm excited about! Also, she asked me to speak to another class she teaches about disability.
This is the email she sent to me about that: "Might you be interested in talking with that class about Tourette’s? That class meets 4 to 5:30, Monday-Wednesday. I think you’d enrich their learning experience tremendously."
Just these words: "I think you'd enrich their learning experience tremendously" and to hear this from someone older and wiser than me gives me such a great feeling. A feeling of pure acceptance and kindness.
Today when I met with her she didn't even blink when I did my louder vocal tics. She wanted to do everything she could to help me in the classroom. She asked questions such as "What can I do to make you feel more comfortable in the classroom?" and I loved it when she agreed that the students would just become used to my tics and told me that they would accept it as their "expanded reality". I like that phrase. It implies that i'm responsible for expanding their world, their minds, and their concept of how things are/should be in the world.
I think one of my camp friends put it perfectly: "That is freaking awesome. What an amazing response."
Just two more professors to meet with now. Hoping I get two more amazing responses! Although I don't think their responses can even come close to topping this one.
This was her initial response to my email ""Thanks for contacting me. I’d love to meet with you. I have some familiarity with Tourette Syndrome and welcome the opportunity to find out more from you and discuss accommodations. If you choose to disclose in the class, it would be a great learning opportunity for everyone. If you choose to maintain privacy, that is entirely fine too. I’m sure you know what works best and is most comfortable for you."
As I said before, just reading this email helped me to feel like my tics are not a nuisance or annoying, but instead am adding something valuable to the class just by being there. Additionally she has now asked to include a piece about Tourette's (a video clip or a film, either Front of the Class or I have Tourettes but Tourettes doesn't have me) which i'm excited about! Also, she asked me to speak to another class she teaches about disability.
This is the email she sent to me about that: "Might you be interested in talking with that class about Tourette’s? That class meets 4 to 5:30, Monday-Wednesday. I think you’d enrich their learning experience tremendously."
Just these words: "I think you'd enrich their learning experience tremendously" and to hear this from someone older and wiser than me gives me such a great feeling. A feeling of pure acceptance and kindness.
Today when I met with her she didn't even blink when I did my louder vocal tics. She wanted to do everything she could to help me in the classroom. She asked questions such as "What can I do to make you feel more comfortable in the classroom?" and I loved it when she agreed that the students would just become used to my tics and told me that they would accept it as their "expanded reality". I like that phrase. It implies that i'm responsible for expanding their world, their minds, and their concept of how things are/should be in the world.
I think one of my camp friends put it perfectly: "That is freaking awesome. What an amazing response."
Just two more professors to meet with now. Hoping I get two more amazing responses! Although I don't think their responses can even come close to topping this one.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Telling my Professors about Tourette's- Senior Year
What a wonderful email I received today! I've been having a lot of really rough tics as it's that time of year that tics really act up for me, so there could not have been a better day to get this email as I am feeling quite overwhelmed and upset at the moment with the amount of tics i'm having.
Every semester I send out an email to my professors to ask them if there's a good time we could meet before classes start so I can tell them about my Tourette's and also I discuss when might be a good time for me to talk to the class about my tics.
This semester i'm taking a course called images of disability in film and literature and in response to the email I sent to the teacher of this course, I got this in return:
"Thanks for contacting me. I’d love to meet with you. I have some familiarity with Tourette Syndrome and welcome the opportunity to find out more from you and discuss accommodations. If you choose to disclose in the class, it would be a great learning opportunity for everyone. If you choose to maintain privacy, that is entirely fine too. I’m sure you know what works best and is most comfortable for you.
My office is on the medical campus You could come here, but that’s an extra trip for you. Since I live near campus, it’s very easy for me to come there – or meet somewhere near campus.
I am waiting to hear about committee meetings next Monday or Tuesday, so I’m reluctant to set an appointment with you just yet. Could I contact you tomorrow? Meanwhile, could you let me know where you’d like to meet?
See you soon"
Such an amazing thing to get an email like this especially when I'm feeling vulnerable. It makes me feel like instead of being a nuisance or annoying, I am adding something valuable to the class.
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Another rough tic day
Another rough tic day. Currently watching Netflix under my weighted blanket with plenty of sensory fidgets by my side to try to help calm down the tics. The blanket seems to be whats helping the most right now. I can feel it starting to work its magic smile emoticon
Also recently i've been feeling upset or overwhelmed when I have a lot of tics. This isn't new to me, but it's been a while since i've had such frequent and significant tics so its hard to be reminded of what its like and have to live like this again. I know it's probably just the time of year and a waxing period (starting a new school year is always hard, and transitions in general are hard for me), but it's hard for me to have to go though this again. I start to feel overwhelmed and truthfully a little fearful when I feel things escalating with my tics and when I start loosing control. As i've said before, it can be a pretty scary thing to lose control of your body.
I'm just trying to remind myself that I know this time of year is always a more challenging time with my tics and that once I get settled in school things should calm down. Also another thing that seems to help is telling myself in a calm and slow voice "You're just fine" which is something one of my camp friends told me to try. It seems to be helping keep me calmer in terms of the emotional side of things. Hoping the tics calm down soon. The weighted blanket and sensory fidgets are helping.
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
A post for myself (positive note of the day and notes to my future self)
Positive note of the day:
Woke up late and walked to starbucks with my dog. It was a pretty hot day, like it is most of the summer days where I live. I got my usual, grande iced mocha (1 shot, 2 pumps) and as usual the barista's know my order so when I walk in they say "your usual?". Gotta love that they also sometimes have my drink ready for me before i've finished paying. I got my dog some water for the dog bowel and sat down to drink and eat my sandwich. I then contacted some of my camp family because I really want to stay in contact with them throughout the year. So far, we're all staying in contact much more than in the past which I'm loving. It makes me feel more connected to them even though they are all in different states. One of the people from camp I have gotten closer with is in my city though, which is so great. I even met up for coffee with her after camp when I was having some trouble with my mom understanding TS. Having her close makes me feel like i'm not so alone.
I got back and did GRE work and got almost all the questions right. I actually like some of the geometry because its kind of like solving a puzzle. I was exhausted though at my GRE tutoring session!
Also today I got a very special email which makes me feel like i'm making a difference :)
Not much happened today, but I thought I would keep up my positivity challenge. My OCD thoughts were starting to come back a little more today, so i'm trying to keep positive. Also, since it's my last year of college, I've starting thinking about how much my life is about to change after this year. With these positivity notes i've been writing, I realize I will look back on them 20 years from now and think how different my life was back then. Walking up to Starbucks from my house with my dog, getting special emails from people whose lives i've touched, connecting with my camp family: these may all seem like mundane events now, but in reality they are very special and I know I will look back at my 20's and realize even more how special these little things were. It is very strange to think I am directly communicating with my future self. That my future self will read these words (at least I hope so) and that while reading this I will know how events unfolded and how things turned out. I'll know if I got into a Ph.D program, if I took time off to work in a lab, which friends i've stayed in contact with, and even further down the line if i've been married or have had kids. It is such a strange thought when you really think about it, and especially when you're thinking about it at 2am.
Anyway, enough of my ramblings. Future self, however things turned out I'm sure they turned out that way because that's the way they were meant to be. Don't be disappointed with the things that didn't happen, because i'm sure there will be some of those things. Be happy with the things that did happen and know how ever things turn out, I am accepting of it. The one thing I don't want is too many regrets. I know i will hold back from doing certain things, and I know I will have some regrets, doesn't everyone? But I want to do the things that I truly desire to do, and I don't want society or expectations of others around me to influnce me too much or prevent me from doing what I truly want to do at that time. If I look back and say, "I regret not doing this or not doing that", just remember that I did what made me happy at that time and that's all that really matters. There is no need to regret not doing things that I wouldn't have wanted to do or that wouldn't have made me happy at that time. I was happy with the things I did, and that's all that truly matters.
Yes, of course it's great to step outside of your comfort zone, and I want to try to do that even more my last year of college. Rock climbing, going to the pool party, driving on the highway, even going to camp for the first time and going to the camp reunions for the first time, these are are things I have done that are out of my comfort zone and every time I was nervous but was so glad in the end that I did it. Each time I do something that makes me step out of my comfort zone, I learn that I can do it and can succeed in whatever i'm doing. That makes the next time even easier. Exposure and taking risks (well risks for me!) is a good thing.
Woke up late and walked to starbucks with my dog. It was a pretty hot day, like it is most of the summer days where I live. I got my usual, grande iced mocha (1 shot, 2 pumps) and as usual the barista's know my order so when I walk in they say "your usual?". Gotta love that they also sometimes have my drink ready for me before i've finished paying. I got my dog some water for the dog bowel and sat down to drink and eat my sandwich. I then contacted some of my camp family because I really want to stay in contact with them throughout the year. So far, we're all staying in contact much more than in the past which I'm loving. It makes me feel more connected to them even though they are all in different states. One of the people from camp I have gotten closer with is in my city though, which is so great. I even met up for coffee with her after camp when I was having some trouble with my mom understanding TS. Having her close makes me feel like i'm not so alone.
I got back and did GRE work and got almost all the questions right. I actually like some of the geometry because its kind of like solving a puzzle. I was exhausted though at my GRE tutoring session!
Also today I got a very special email which makes me feel like i'm making a difference :)
Not much happened today, but I thought I would keep up my positivity challenge. My OCD thoughts were starting to come back a little more today, so i'm trying to keep positive. Also, since it's my last year of college, I've starting thinking about how much my life is about to change after this year. With these positivity notes i've been writing, I realize I will look back on them 20 years from now and think how different my life was back then. Walking up to Starbucks from my house with my dog, getting special emails from people whose lives i've touched, connecting with my camp family: these may all seem like mundane events now, but in reality they are very special and I know I will look back at my 20's and realize even more how special these little things were. It is very strange to think I am directly communicating with my future self. That my future self will read these words (at least I hope so) and that while reading this I will know how events unfolded and how things turned out. I'll know if I got into a Ph.D program, if I took time off to work in a lab, which friends i've stayed in contact with, and even further down the line if i've been married or have had kids. It is such a strange thought when you really think about it, and especially when you're thinking about it at 2am.
Anyway, enough of my ramblings. Future self, however things turned out I'm sure they turned out that way because that's the way they were meant to be. Don't be disappointed with the things that didn't happen, because i'm sure there will be some of those things. Be happy with the things that did happen and know how ever things turn out, I am accepting of it. The one thing I don't want is too many regrets. I know i will hold back from doing certain things, and I know I will have some regrets, doesn't everyone? But I want to do the things that I truly desire to do, and I don't want society or expectations of others around me to influnce me too much or prevent me from doing what I truly want to do at that time. If I look back and say, "I regret not doing this or not doing that", just remember that I did what made me happy at that time and that's all that really matters. There is no need to regret not doing things that I wouldn't have wanted to do or that wouldn't have made me happy at that time. I was happy with the things I did, and that's all that truly matters.
Yes, of course it's great to step outside of your comfort zone, and I want to try to do that even more my last year of college. Rock climbing, going to the pool party, driving on the highway, even going to camp for the first time and going to the camp reunions for the first time, these are are things I have done that are out of my comfort zone and every time I was nervous but was so glad in the end that I did it. Each time I do something that makes me step out of my comfort zone, I learn that I can do it and can succeed in whatever i'm doing. That makes the next time even easier. Exposure and taking risks (well risks for me!) is a good thing.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Strategies for Tics: Non-Medication Interventions
NOTE: Below is a list of various strategies that help me when my tics are occurring more frequently. These strategies are things that personally help me as a person living with Tourette's. They are wroth a try, but I can't guarantee these things will work for you or help your tics calm down. I can tell you these things help to decrease my tics at times (not all the time, and they are not foolproof) but overall every person is different and something that helps one person might not help another. If your tics are getting to a point where they are difficult to live with or to control, the first thing I would recommend is seeing a neurologist. Your neurologist, psychologist, or psychiatrist should be your first line in treatment and suggesting interventions.
I hope some of you find these suggestions helpful! Please let me know if you try to implement any of them and how they affect you!
Distraction/ Focused activities-
Whenever I'm ticcing a lot, distraction and focused activities can help my tics get back under my control. Talking or telling a story takes up a huge amount of brain power! Ever tried singing while also saying the ABC's backwards in your head? It's pretty much impossible because the amount of brain power it takes for your mouth to form words is taking up too much space in your brain. The brain has less of an ability to misfire (aka tic) if your talking, engaged in conversation, telling a story, etc. Also focused activities like dancing, drawing, video editing, or playing an instrument takes up just as much if not more brain power. So, when my tics get bad I try to focus myself on something that will take up a lot of brain power.
Note: For vocal tics specifically chewing gum or sucking of sugarless cough drops can help to distract the mouth from tics!
Sensory Toys-
Sensory toys seem to help my tics. For me the kinds of sensory toys that help the most are ones that provide both tactile input and auditory input. So for example, I have a sensory toy that's basically a long chain of plastic blocks all connected. When I move it around in my hands I get both tactile (touch) feedback and auditory (sound feedback) from the clicking noise it makes. I also have quite a few others that give this dual feedback such as a fish that makes a popping noise and a chain of small wooden blocks that make clicking noises as well. Not sure exactly why they help, but they help lessen the tic urges in my body when I play with them.
Here's the website where I got most of my sensory toys (its a site for autism sensory toys and I found it though my mom because she works with a lot of kids who have autism, but most of the items on the site work great for TS as well!): http://www.autismshop.com/games-playthings/games-playthings-fidgets-sensory-items/?sort_by=position&sort_order=asc
Here are a few of the sensory toys that I have and find helpful:
Tangle Relax toy :No auditory component, but great for tactile input
What Zit : tactile and auditory input (clicking sound when blocks hit)
Wacky Tracks : great for both tactile and auditory input (this one is my favorite!)
Roller Fidget: great for tactile
Pop Animal: fantastic for both tactile and auditory
Colorfall: Great for those who might like more visual input
Sensory Soothers -
Milk/ Soothing Drink- Not sure why but drinking milk or another soothing drink when my tics are bad really helps me! Cold milk usually works best for me, but cold water to a lesser extent can help in a pinch. It really depends on the person though. For me I find the plane milk the most soothing, but for something a little fancier, try this great little recipe!
Vanilla Milk:
- 2 cups 2% milk
- 1 tablespoon agave nectar - 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Place all ingredients together in a mug or pitcher and stir well. Then place the mug/ pitcher into the microwave to warm. Also it can make a nice frosty drink with a few ice cubes and a blender!
Weighted Blanket- My weighted blanket really helps my tics calm down, especially for night time. The weight is helpful most nights, depending on my sensory needs that day. Some nights i'll really feel the need to have something heavy on me, other nights i'd rather not. I have to listen to my body that day and depending on how i'm feeling the weighted blanket can help A LOT! It calms my body down incredibly and helps me fall asleep faster. I ordered my blanket online though sensa calm, but you can also make them yourself them depending on your level of craftiness!
Where I got my weighted blanket: http://www.sensacalm.com
DIY weighted blanket videos and articles:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qw_IzkB2Cz0
http://www.mamasmiles.com/sewing-tutorial-how-to-make-a-weighted-sensory-blanket/http://qualityplasticpellets.com/2013/01/04/a-warm-night-in-the-diy-guide-to-a-weighted-blanket/
Cold compress/ cold pack/ cold pillow pad- for me cold sensory input seems to help my tics, so cold compresses and a cold pillow pad I have both help. Here are some links to some items that are helpful if you find cold or warm compresses to soothe your tics as well.
Chillow - Memory foam cooling pillow pad, requires you to fill it with water, but i've had one before and it works well and is pretty inexpensive too. There are other products that are a bit more pricy but I think may work better to keep a cooler pillow.
Chilloh- Another brand of cooling pillow pad that's a bit more expensive but might work to keep the pillow colder than the chillow.
Therapearl - can be heated to be hot or hold and also can double as a tactile sensory toy!
Changing the environment-
For me, when i'm ticcing a lot it may be environment dependent. For example, I tend to tic a lot in classrooms, lectures, while sitting in an audience, when i'm in a quiet environment, a stressful environment, and also strangely enough while in the shower. So if i'm ticcing a lot, one of the first things I do is I assess the environment and ask myself, am I being triggered by something around me? Am I in an environment that would cause me to tic more? If so, and if I am able to, I try to change the environment.
For example, the other day I noticed that I started ticcing more and started to become uncomfortable because of this. I looked at the environment around me and realized that my tics may have been triggered because I was in a quieter and more enclosed environment. So I got up, walked outside in a more open and louder area, and my tics started to calm down. Later that day I was walking around a lot and started to get hot and tired, which started to make me tic more. I decided it was time for me to go inside and sit in the air conditioning which helped decrease my tics.
Also sometimes I start ticcing a lot, look around at my environment, and can't seem to find anything specifically that I can think of that would be triggering me. In this case, I get up and change the environment anyway because even though i'm not able to discern what seems to be making me tics worse, changing the environment will tend to help to some extent regardless, even if that means just getting up, walking around for a while, and then coming back.
Putting your body in a different position-
This may just be unique to me, but something that helps me when i'm ticcing a lot is changing the position my body is in or putting my body in an "different" or "odd" position. So if my tics are bad while i'm laying in bed, if I put my pillow on the opposite side of the bed and lay backwards for a while this will help my tics. Or if I hang my head off of my bed so that i'm essentially upside down this will also help. Whatever I can do to get my body in a different position seems to help. I'm not sure why this helps but my best guess is that it gives my body different sensory cues and serves as a form of proprioceptive sensory input. I'm also not sure if it will work for anyone else, but it might be worth a try.
Also giving your body different sensory signals in general may be helpful! Some other ideas of giving your body different sensory signals than those when you're just sitting or standing are doing yoga, running, jogging, jumping rope, fast walking, swimming, playing a sport, dancing, swinging, yoyo-ing, or whatever other crazy (or not so crazy!) bodily activity you can think of to get your body active and engaged in movement!
Decreasing frustration/anxiety-
When i'm ticcing a lot, sometimes I get frustrated with myself and pretty anxious with the fact that i'm not able to control my body. Its pretty frustrating and anxiety provoking to not be able to stop yourself from doing something that's annoying, painful, and often times embarrassing. So sometimes with each tic i'm not able to control, I get more and more frustrated and anxious, which in turn of corse makes me tic even more and it becomes a vicious cycle. I tic, I get frustrated and anxious, I tic more, I get even more frustrated and anxious, and then I tic much much more, and repeat. You can see how this might be a problem.
Not many people know the emotional components that come with having TS. They see the tics, but what they don't see are the emotions that come with living in a body you can't always control. They don't see the anxiety, the embarrassment, and the frustration that comes with having Tourette's, but this side of TS is no less real and no less important to address than the tics themselves.
So whatever I can do to decrease my frustration and stress level will help stop this vicious cycle and help to decrease my tics. This is another reason why distraction, focused activities, and calming sensory activities help to decrease tics. These activities help us take our mind off the frustration and anxiety that tics bring. Listening to music may also help.
Another thing that can help is talking to the rational side of your brain by using coping statements. I start out by telling the rational side of my brain "being frustrated and stressed will only make my tics worse"and giving myself self assuring and soothing statements such as "i'm just fine", "it's okay that i'm ticcing right now", and "this will soon pass, it always does". I give myself a little time to tell myself everything's okay, and then I move on to calming, focused, distracting activites to take my mind off the tics.
CBIT-
Cognitive Behavioral Intervention for Tics (CBIT) is a behavioral intervention for tics, it's non-pharmacitical, and is proven to be as affective or even in some cases more affective than mediation for tics. It doesn't work for everyone, and it's not a cure, but for some people it can significantly decrease the severity and frequency of tics. It worked very well for me, and I still use the strategies I learned in CBIT when I feel like I need to.
I still have tics of course, and I still have bad days, or bad weeks even, but overall my tics are less frequent and less severe than they were a year ago before I started CBIT. CBIT has worked better for me than any mediation has, and the best part is NO SIDE EFFECTS!
A lot of the behavioral interventions i've listed above are strategies I learned in CBIT. CBIT is not only about targeting tics with a competing response, but its also about learning how to manage your tics, finding strategies, and assessing your environment, your triggers, and finding various things you can alter in your environment to help your tics. The ideas of distraction/focused activities, changing the environment, and deceasing frustration and anxiety are all environmental components of CBIT that I have learned both on my own and with the help of my CBIT therapist. The competing response component of CBIT is important, but the environmental assessment is just as important as well!
You can read more about CBIT and watch videos on CBIT on the Tourette Syndrome association website here: http://www.tsa-usa.org/Medical/CBIT.html
Thursday, April 16, 2015
The Importance of Support for Individuals with Tourette's: An Incredible Professor
I know I haven't blogged in a while, but there has been a lot happening in my life and things have been pretty great. I want to update you all about something that has given me a lot of inspiration and hope about my future (and write this for myself to chronicle my college journey).
I signed up for a course I was very interested in at the beginning of the semester and was very nervous going into it. I was particularly nervous because the professor of the class is very prominent in the field I want to go into . I was nervous about how she would react to my tics and I was worried that my tics would influence what she thought I was capable of achieving (something my parents told me would happen when I was first diagnosed) . I KNOW that my tics don't effect my ability to be a student, to write, do research, or succeed and move forward with my goal of getting a PhD in a very research oriented area in ANY way. But that thought of "what if she doesn't understand"was in the back of my head. This class and my relationship with this professor has officially proved my parents so WRONG!
Every relationship I have had since my diagnosis, with a professor, a teacher, a mentor, a friend, or a boyfriend has shown me that my tics will not effect what other people think of me or what they think I am capable of achieving. This relationship/ mentorship however, has blown me away.
Putting things in perspective for my readers a little: my professor (who I will call Dr. Brown) is a is a full professor at a university that is ranked #14 in the country, is the principle investigator of a prominent research lab, has published coutless instrumental papers, and is as I have said a prominent and well known researcher in her field. In other words, she's awesome and anyone who is anyone in this field knows how she is.
In the beginning of the semester I went to meet with her to tell her about my Tourette's/ tics and how it would effect me in the classroom. I do this with all of my professors (especially for smaller classes) in which my tics might be more noticeable to those around me and to the professor. She reacted very well, like all of my other professors have. She was very relaxed about it and didn't seem concerned at all.
Even though I was nervous about her seeing my tics in class, I was able to be relaxed and just be myself. I loved how she taught the class and was so fascinated by the material. Every class period I had with her, I felt more and more confident that this is exactly the field I wanted to go into. Every lecture held my attention for the entire 2 1/2 to 3 hours in a way that sparked my interest beyond that of any other class I have taken. I started speaking up more in class and asking questions about the material. I wanted to know more and loved the discussions her material sparked in class. I also particularly enjoyed the writing assignments! Since this was a writing intensive class we had a paper abstract due almost every week and a midterm and final paper.
I stopped focusing on my tics in class, and more and more they weren't even a thought in my mind during class because I was so interested and focused on what I was learning and how it applied to my independent research I do at the medical school.
When it was time to write my midterm paper, I was excited. I picked one of my favorite topics, a topic related to sensory processing disorder, Proprioception! Although I actually knew very little about Proprioception going into the paper, I did a lot of research and learned so much out of the experience of writing the paper. I turned it in and then went on spring break.
When I came back from spring break, I was excited to get my paper back and to hear what Professor Brown thought of it. I value her option and insight so much and was very curious what she thought of my paper. Sure, enough when I got it back, I got an A! She had written on the paper, "excellent paper! great transitions as well as content!". Then she said to the class "I'm going to ask a few of you to stay after class because I would like to get some of the papers you referenced in your paper to use in some of my other classes". I figured she was not talking about me since my paper topic was very specific and probably would't directly relate to the content she was teaching in any of her other classes. However, at the end of class she asked another student in the class and me to stay after.
She asked the other student first if she could use one of her references, and then when the other student left the room, Professor Brown asked me if I would send her my whole paper. She told me that she would like to use my paper as an example of an excellent paper to show to students when she taught this class in the future. I of course was not expecting his! I saw that my paper got an A and had really enjoyed writing it, but I would have never imagined that it was so excellent that she would want to use it as an example. Of course I said yes, told her I was honored, and sent her the paper.
Later on I had scheduled an appointment to meet with her to get her advice about applying to PhD programs next year. During the meeting, time and time again I was blown away by how much she believed in me. She told me how impressed she was with my writing and that she thought my writing was at an even higher level than some of her graduate students (wow!!) and during the course of the meeting stressed that I should focus on research in graduate school instead of clinical work because she believes I have what it takes to succeed in the highly competitive research field and I have what it takes to publish and teach, allowing me to make a larger scale difference and one day take on a position like hers. This is essentially my dream. This is what I have dreamed of for years. There is nothing that I would want more than to make this kind of difference in the lives of children, to have my own lab, and to do research at that level. Professor Brown, someone who I admire and look up to so much, was sitting in front of me not only saying that it was possible for me to do this, but that she believed in me and believed I could not only achieve my dream but excel in it.
When I asked her if she would write me a letter of recommendation for graduate school, she said she would be glad to. I think her letter could make a huge difference. She then asked me if I planned to tell the people whose labs I will be applying to/ interviewing with about my TS. I told her I was unsure at this point. She then proceed to tell me that if any of the professors whose lab's I was applying to had questions about my TS, she would be happy to talk with them. I thought this was so incredibly sweet and amazing of her to offer. I felt taken care of, and so supported. I felt like I had someone rooting for me, someone in my court, someone witting to stand up for me if anyone questioned me or wondered how my TS might affect me in a lab / research setting. I told her because of how my tics have been on the more moderate/ mild side lately that this probably would't be necessary, but I can't even put into words how supported it made me feel.
Someone who I was so nervous to tell about my TS is now willing to stand up for me and to help others understand what TS is and how it effects me. For me, I cannot even tell you how much of a huge deal this is. Because of how my parents handled my TS, I have had very few adults in my life who have been able to stand up for me and make me feel so safe and understood. While this has made me my own best advocate, it's an incredible feeling to know I do not have to carry this weight all by myself and to know that if I need help advocating or am in a situation where I need a little extra support, I have someone willing to be there for me :)
I signed up for a course I was very interested in at the beginning of the semester and was very nervous going into it. I was particularly nervous because the professor of the class is very prominent in the field I want to go into . I was nervous about how she would react to my tics and I was worried that my tics would influence what she thought I was capable of achieving (something my parents told me would happen when I was first diagnosed) . I KNOW that my tics don't effect my ability to be a student, to write, do research, or succeed and move forward with my goal of getting a PhD in a very research oriented area in ANY way. But that thought of "what if she doesn't understand"was in the back of my head. This class and my relationship with this professor has officially proved my parents so WRONG!
Every relationship I have had since my diagnosis, with a professor, a teacher, a mentor, a friend, or a boyfriend has shown me that my tics will not effect what other people think of me or what they think I am capable of achieving. This relationship/ mentorship however, has blown me away.
Putting things in perspective for my readers a little: my professor (who I will call Dr. Brown) is a is a full professor at a university that is ranked #14 in the country, is the principle investigator of a prominent research lab, has published coutless instrumental papers, and is as I have said a prominent and well known researcher in her field. In other words, she's awesome and anyone who is anyone in this field knows how she is.
In the beginning of the semester I went to meet with her to tell her about my Tourette's/ tics and how it would effect me in the classroom. I do this with all of my professors (especially for smaller classes) in which my tics might be more noticeable to those around me and to the professor. She reacted very well, like all of my other professors have. She was very relaxed about it and didn't seem concerned at all.
Even though I was nervous about her seeing my tics in class, I was able to be relaxed and just be myself. I loved how she taught the class and was so fascinated by the material. Every class period I had with her, I felt more and more confident that this is exactly the field I wanted to go into. Every lecture held my attention for the entire 2 1/2 to 3 hours in a way that sparked my interest beyond that of any other class I have taken. I started speaking up more in class and asking questions about the material. I wanted to know more and loved the discussions her material sparked in class. I also particularly enjoyed the writing assignments! Since this was a writing intensive class we had a paper abstract due almost every week and a midterm and final paper.
I stopped focusing on my tics in class, and more and more they weren't even a thought in my mind during class because I was so interested and focused on what I was learning and how it applied to my independent research I do at the medical school.
When it was time to write my midterm paper, I was excited. I picked one of my favorite topics, a topic related to sensory processing disorder, Proprioception! Although I actually knew very little about Proprioception going into the paper, I did a lot of research and learned so much out of the experience of writing the paper. I turned it in and then went on spring break.
When I came back from spring break, I was excited to get my paper back and to hear what Professor Brown thought of it. I value her option and insight so much and was very curious what she thought of my paper. Sure, enough when I got it back, I got an A! She had written on the paper, "excellent paper! great transitions as well as content!". Then she said to the class "I'm going to ask a few of you to stay after class because I would like to get some of the papers you referenced in your paper to use in some of my other classes". I figured she was not talking about me since my paper topic was very specific and probably would't directly relate to the content she was teaching in any of her other classes. However, at the end of class she asked another student in the class and me to stay after.
She asked the other student first if she could use one of her references, and then when the other student left the room, Professor Brown asked me if I would send her my whole paper. She told me that she would like to use my paper as an example of an excellent paper to show to students when she taught this class in the future. I of course was not expecting his! I saw that my paper got an A and had really enjoyed writing it, but I would have never imagined that it was so excellent that she would want to use it as an example. Of course I said yes, told her I was honored, and sent her the paper.
Later on I had scheduled an appointment to meet with her to get her advice about applying to PhD programs next year. During the meeting, time and time again I was blown away by how much she believed in me. She told me how impressed she was with my writing and that she thought my writing was at an even higher level than some of her graduate students (wow!!) and during the course of the meeting stressed that I should focus on research in graduate school instead of clinical work because she believes I have what it takes to succeed in the highly competitive research field and I have what it takes to publish and teach, allowing me to make a larger scale difference and one day take on a position like hers. This is essentially my dream. This is what I have dreamed of for years. There is nothing that I would want more than to make this kind of difference in the lives of children, to have my own lab, and to do research at that level. Professor Brown, someone who I admire and look up to so much, was sitting in front of me not only saying that it was possible for me to do this, but that she believed in me and believed I could not only achieve my dream but excel in it.
When I asked her if she would write me a letter of recommendation for graduate school, she said she would be glad to. I think her letter could make a huge difference. She then asked me if I planned to tell the people whose labs I will be applying to/ interviewing with about my TS. I told her I was unsure at this point. She then proceed to tell me that if any of the professors whose lab's I was applying to had questions about my TS, she would be happy to talk with them. I thought this was so incredibly sweet and amazing of her to offer. I felt taken care of, and so supported. I felt like I had someone rooting for me, someone in my court, someone witting to stand up for me if anyone questioned me or wondered how my TS might affect me in a lab / research setting. I told her because of how my tics have been on the more moderate/ mild side lately that this probably would't be necessary, but I can't even put into words how supported it made me feel.
Someone who I was so nervous to tell about my TS is now willing to stand up for me and to help others understand what TS is and how it effects me. For me, I cannot even tell you how much of a huge deal this is. Because of how my parents handled my TS, I have had very few adults in my life who have been able to stand up for me and make me feel so safe and understood. While this has made me my own best advocate, it's an incredible feeling to know I do not have to carry this weight all by myself and to know that if I need help advocating or am in a situation where I need a little extra support, I have someone willing to be there for me :)
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Valentines day! :)
Happy Valentines day everyone! What are you doing to celebrate? I'll be spending valentines day with my amazing boy friend who accepts me, tics and all. Although I haven't been ticcing around him a lot (a combination of suppressing and the fact that my tics have decreased a lot because of CBIT), he knows I have tics and it doesn't change his opinion about me.
Yesterday he gave me an amazing compliment! I was telling him about volunteering with the kids at the hospital and how they seem to like me and he said "Of course they like you! You're so laid back and sweet. You're the kind of person who a child would naturally feel comfortable with and open up to". I so appreciated his compliment! It made me feel great and so special smile emoticon
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Telling The Guy I'm Dating About My Tics! :)
Well I finally did it! I told the guy i'm dating about my tics. It's a GIANT weight off my shoulders, and it ultimately wasn't that big of a deal at all. I told him last night very casually while talking about camp. We sat down to eat some dinner and when he asked how my day was I told him it was great because I sent in my application for my 3rd year as a counselor at the camp I've been volunteering at in the summer. I had told him a little about the camp before, but this time I went into more detail. I told him that I'm looking forward to seeing all my campers who i've made such close bonds with. I told him that I bond with them and they really look up to me because I had tics when I was younger too, know what it's like, and am able to give them advice and be an older role model who has been though what they've been though.
I also told him that I still have tics, but i'm able to suppress/ hold them back more than I was able to when I was younger. I told him that it's like a cough or a sneeze, you can feel it coming and hold it back. I told him it's kind of like when you're in a movie theater and don't want to make noise so you try not to cough, and then when you get out of the theater, you just cough a lot! He said he didn't know it was like that. I told him that's why he hasn't really seen me do any tics and he agreed that he hadn't noticed anything and said he didn't know I had tics.
He was really great about everything I told him about my tics. He was very understanding, very positive, and even asked me a question ( I love when people have the courage to ask questions, instead of just sit there, smile, and nod). He tried to be compassionate and sympathetic by telling me that sometimes his eye twitches so he knows what it's like to not want other people to see that, but that ultimately you can't control it, so you shouldn't be embarrassed. He also said that he understands that people might judge you when they shouldn't because you're twitching or moving , but they shouldn't judge you because its not something you can control.
When I was telling him I made sure to stress that it wasn't a big deal, that my really good friends who've seen my tics a lot say they don’t even notice it anymore and I also made sure to tell him it's made me into a more compassionate person and understanding others differences.
After I told him, we studied together and when it was time to leave, I walked him out, he kissed me goodbye, and told me he would text me the next day. Sure enough, he texted me today and asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with him. Dinner tonight went well and I felt much more relaxed around him. I am so glad I told him. I feel like now I can be so much more invested in the relationship and be myself more. I also now know that he is accepting of the fact I have tics and still wants to go out with me. It's still going to take me a while to actually feel comfortable ticcing around him, but i'm getting there! This was a huge step for me, and I'm so glad it turned out so well. Thank you to everyone (shout out to Brandy especially!! You helped me so much in terms of taking this step!) for supporting me through this and helping me to have the courage to tell him. I feel so relieved and happy. Everything in my life is just going right :) I am in such a good place right now, I couldn't ask for anything more. I feel so blessed :)
I also told him that I still have tics, but i'm able to suppress/ hold them back more than I was able to when I was younger. I told him that it's like a cough or a sneeze, you can feel it coming and hold it back. I told him it's kind of like when you're in a movie theater and don't want to make noise so you try not to cough, and then when you get out of the theater, you just cough a lot! He said he didn't know it was like that. I told him that's why he hasn't really seen me do any tics and he agreed that he hadn't noticed anything and said he didn't know I had tics.
He was really great about everything I told him about my tics. He was very understanding, very positive, and even asked me a question ( I love when people have the courage to ask questions, instead of just sit there, smile, and nod). He tried to be compassionate and sympathetic by telling me that sometimes his eye twitches so he knows what it's like to not want other people to see that, but that ultimately you can't control it, so you shouldn't be embarrassed. He also said that he understands that people might judge you when they shouldn't because you're twitching or moving , but they shouldn't judge you because its not something you can control.
When I was telling him I made sure to stress that it wasn't a big deal, that my really good friends who've seen my tics a lot say they don’t even notice it anymore and I also made sure to tell him it's made me into a more compassionate person and understanding others differences.
After I told him, we studied together and when it was time to leave, I walked him out, he kissed me goodbye, and told me he would text me the next day. Sure enough, he texted me today and asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with him. Dinner tonight went well and I felt much more relaxed around him. I am so glad I told him. I feel like now I can be so much more invested in the relationship and be myself more. I also now know that he is accepting of the fact I have tics and still wants to go out with me. It's still going to take me a while to actually feel comfortable ticcing around him, but i'm getting there! This was a huge step for me, and I'm so glad it turned out so well. Thank you to everyone (shout out to Brandy especially!! You helped me so much in terms of taking this step!) for supporting me through this and helping me to have the courage to tell him. I feel so relieved and happy. Everything in my life is just going right :) I am in such a good place right now, I couldn't ask for anything more. I feel so blessed :)
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Is it time to tell him about my tics?
Last night the guy I have been going on dates with asked me if I would like to go out with him officially. I said yes smile emoticon
So now I can say that we're officially going out and that for now I am no longer single. I like so much about him. I really like how open he is with me and that he is not afraid to show me who he truly is. I also really like his personality in general and how he is a really great conversationalist. We always have something to talk about and it's always engaging and thought provoking to be around him. I like that he wants to spend time getting to know me and he really seems to like me. He gives me so many complements and tells me how cute I am, how much he likes spending time with me, and how happy he is that he met me.
Today he opened up to me about some things that were more on the personal side, and even though I was hesitant to, I opened up to him more too. I told me that I have sensory issues and OCD traits. He seemed really okay with it and didn't seem to think much of it at all. It didn't seem to affect how he feels about me and after I told him that he asked me to get ice cream later tonight and hang out more. This gives me more confidence that if I told him about my tics, it wouldn't affect how he feels about me either. There is still that nagging thought in the back of my head though, that fear that he will not accept me. I know it's just the fear that has been instilled in me by my parents that is making me feel this way. I know intellectually that he probably won't reject me because of my tics. The fear and the emotion is so real though. I think at this point I just have to take a leap of faith and plunge off the diving board. I think the sooner I make the leap, the easier it will be to be myself around him.
I'm not sure when exactly i'm going to take that leap and tell him, but I am hoping I will have the courage to do it soon, maybe even tonight when we get ice cream together. I plan on telling him in a very casual way and not making a big deal about it. I'll keep you guys updated on what I decide to do! Please wish me luck :)
So now I can say that we're officially going out and that for now I am no longer single. I like so much about him. I really like how open he is with me and that he is not afraid to show me who he truly is. I also really like his personality in general and how he is a really great conversationalist. We always have something to talk about and it's always engaging and thought provoking to be around him. I like that he wants to spend time getting to know me and he really seems to like me. He gives me so many complements and tells me how cute I am, how much he likes spending time with me, and how happy he is that he met me.
Today he opened up to me about some things that were more on the personal side, and even though I was hesitant to, I opened up to him more too. I told me that I have sensory issues and OCD traits. He seemed really okay with it and didn't seem to think much of it at all. It didn't seem to affect how he feels about me and after I told him that he asked me to get ice cream later tonight and hang out more. This gives me more confidence that if I told him about my tics, it wouldn't affect how he feels about me either. There is still that nagging thought in the back of my head though, that fear that he will not accept me. I know it's just the fear that has been instilled in me by my parents that is making me feel this way. I know intellectually that he probably won't reject me because of my tics. The fear and the emotion is so real though. I think at this point I just have to take a leap of faith and plunge off the diving board. I think the sooner I make the leap, the easier it will be to be myself around him.
I'm not sure when exactly i'm going to take that leap and tell him, but I am hoping I will have the courage to do it soon, maybe even tonight when we get ice cream together. I plan on telling him in a very casual way and not making a big deal about it. I'll keep you guys updated on what I decide to do! Please wish me luck :)
Friday, January 30, 2015
Dating with Tourette Syndrome
Aw I love this! This is so cute! I recently started going on dates with a guy that I really like. We have known eachother for about a little more than a week and have been on quite a few dates. He really seems to like me and I really like him as well. I haven't told him about my TS/ tics, but I have done some very mild tics around him that I haven't been able to hold back. I don't think he's noticed, but I can't really tell.
This video helps me feel more hopeful about telling him. I have never in my life had anyone to comfort me when I was having tics. My parents always asked me to stop, my friends understand my tics and what they are but don't quite know what to say when i'm having a lot of tics besides asking "are you okay?" or ignoring it, and so i've always relied on self comfort or just "getting though it". If some day I could get to the point with him (or with someone else, if our relationship doesn't continue) where he could comfort me or hold me while i'm having a lot of tics, It would be so nice and so comforting. I have never relied on anyone else in my entire life as far as my tics go. So I do think letting someone else help me or comfort me would take some getting used to, but once I got used to it, I think it would be so nice.
For now, i'm no where close to that though. For now, he doesn't even know I have tics. I suppress around him because I am afraid of how he would react if he found out. I'm afraid he would reject me because of my tics. I know it's almost unfair for me to judge him like this. For me to assume that he would be the kind of person that would reject someone based on a medical condition is almost the same kind of judgment that I am afraid of. I don't make this assumption based on the kind of person he is. Actually, I feel like based on what I know about him, he would be accepting. Right now, the reason I am not telling him and have no idea at what point I will tell him is because of what I have been told ever since my diagnosis in high school. It's so hard for me to get past the possibility that he will reject me. As soon as I was diagnosed (actually legitimately at the appointment when I was diagnosed) they told me not to tell anyone. They told me if my friends found out, they would no longer be my friends. They told me if an employer found out, they would fire me and/or I would never get the job in the first place. They told me doors would close for me. And most of all they told me no one would ever date me or be interested in me romantically if they knew about my TS. This crushed me, and it has been so hard for me to get past.
Even with all of my amazing friends who I have told about my TS and who have always accepted me, even with the evidence that not once has anyone ever rejected when I told them about my TS, even though everyone has been nothing but kind and incredibly accepting, it is still so hard for me to emotionally get past the fear of what my parents told me would happen.
Right now I don't know when or if i'm going to tell him about my tics. I know it's not practical or possible for me to hide my tics from him forever, especially if we start a real relationship (and so far, it looks like that's the direction in which its moving). Right now all I know is that i'm taking it one day at a time.
Tonight we're going to a party together and then we're going to hang at his apartment and watch Sherlock! I'm looking forward to spending more time with him. I think tonight we'll have a good time. Suppressing my tics around him can be difficult, but so far it hasn't been spoiling anything or affect my ability to have fun/ be myself around him. The more time I spend with him, the more difficult it is becoming. I just try to relax and forget about my tics though. It can be hard, but the more comfortable I become around him, the more I will be able to relax and let some tics out. I'll keep you guys updated.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
2nd Date!
My tics are pretty intense today. I'm nervous because I have a date tonight with a guy I really like! We're going to get a drink at an awesome bar near campus. This is our second date. Wish me luck! He's such a sweet guy and although he doesn't know about my tics yet, I'm feeling good about telling him about them when I get to know him better :)
The next day:
My date went really well last night! Thank you to everyone who wished me luck! Hoping things will progress from here and that we'll have a third date. I think we will based on how things went last night :)
The next day:
My date went really well last night! Thank you to everyone who wished me luck! Hoping things will progress from here and that we'll have a third date. I think we will based on how things went last night :)
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Telling a Friend Who i'm going to Live with Next Year about Tourette's
Talked to my friend (who is a sister in my sorority) tonight, and it went great! I She asked me to live in an on campus apartment with her for next year so I thought it would be the best thing to tell her about my tics ahead of time. I told her in a casual way and in a way that made it seem like no big deal, while also letting her know what my tics are like and about my vocal tics. She didn't bat an eye. She wasn't phased at all. She treated me just like she always does. I told her people usually get used to it pretty quickly just like you might get used to someone who has allergies and coughs or sniffs a lot. She smiled at me in a very reassuring way and told me that she's sure that's what will happen with us and that she isn't worried about it at all about it when it comes to housing next year. So we will be living together next year as long as everything goes as planned :)
Can't wait to spend more time with her and get to know her even better!
Can't wait to spend more time with her and get to know her even better!
Thursday, January 15, 2015
A Professor with Tics!
One of my psychology professors has facial tics! So cool! I love seeing people with Tourette's / tics making their way through life, succeeding, doing what they love, and never letting their tics get in their way!
I haven't officially talked with her yet about my Tourette's and she hasn't told me she has tics, but as someone who has TS and researches it, I know tics when I see them.
I'm going to meet with her next week to talk with her about my TS. I originally wasn't going to, because it's a bigger class, but I've been having a tic of raising my arm/ hand and supressing it in that class has been interfering with my concentration, so I decided I'm going to meet with her so I don't have to worry about it.
I will update later about how that goes.
Yesterday I told another professor and a class about my TS, and like usually it went so well. The professor was amazing and I absolutely love her and how she mad me feel so accepted and comfortable about my tics. She told me she had a grad student who hiccuped and that everyone got used to it very quickly. She was very warm and welcoming. Her class is developmental neuropsychology and since that's what I want to focus on in grad school, I couldn't be more excited for her course! She says it's her favorite course to teach, so that's always a great sign :)
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
A great start to 2nd semester!
Yet another fantastic start to the semester! Today was my second day of classes for the spring semester of my Junior year. For this semester, I've decided to explain my Tourette's to my professors or classmates for my smaller classes only since my tics have been starting to become less noticeable and i've been having less vocal tics thanks to CBIT and medication. I talked with one professor about my Tourette's today and will talk to two professors and two classes about my Tourette's by the end of the week.
All together i'm talking to two of my smaller classes about my Tourette's, and three professors. That means that this semester two of my professors will not explicitly know about my Tourette's since the class size is larger 70 students. They may still notice my motor tics if they happen to look my way, but hopefully since the class is so large my tics will fly under the radar. We'll see.
The professor that I talked to today was kind and understanding, like always. I've been explaining my TS to my professors since Freshman year and I have never had any problems and have never experienced anything except for compassion and understanding from them. The professor that I talked with today told me to make sure to take care of myself during the semester and do whatever I need to to make the semester a successful one. I appreciated his kind words.
I am also loving being back on campus with my friends. I missed them over break and am really enjoying spending time with them now that we're all back on campus. So many people to get dinner and catch up with! This week is crazy busy between my new courses, catching up with friends, and my research. Off to study with two of my friends now, so I will update later. Hope everyone else is adjusting well and getting back into the swing of things after the holiday break as well.
All together i'm talking to two of my smaller classes about my Tourette's, and three professors. That means that this semester two of my professors will not explicitly know about my Tourette's since the class size is larger 70 students. They may still notice my motor tics if they happen to look my way, but hopefully since the class is so large my tics will fly under the radar. We'll see.
The professor that I talked to today was kind and understanding, like always. I've been explaining my TS to my professors since Freshman year and I have never had any problems and have never experienced anything except for compassion and understanding from them. The professor that I talked with today told me to make sure to take care of myself during the semester and do whatever I need to to make the semester a successful one. I appreciated his kind words.
I am also loving being back on campus with my friends. I missed them over break and am really enjoying spending time with them now that we're all back on campus. So many people to get dinner and catch up with! This week is crazy busy between my new courses, catching up with friends, and my research. Off to study with two of my friends now, so I will update later. Hope everyone else is adjusting well and getting back into the swing of things after the holiday break as well.
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Pre-Hanukkah Party Tics 2014
Well it's that time of year again that every ticcer seems to look forward to and dread at the same time, the holiday season. With all the commotion, excitement, preparation, and family, tics always seem to run rampant this time of year. Today is the day of my family's yearly Hanukkah party and my tics are getting pretty darn forceful.
After 5 months of CBIT treatment for my tics, my tics have been steadily decreeing, and i've started to get used to having less tics. However, coming home for winter break and having the holiday season has not been great for my tics. Being around my family members is very stressful for me (tic wise) and i'm sure those of you who have been following my blog for a while know why. For those of you who have not been following my blog, i'll just say this: I come from a family who values perfection and social status, and Tourette's doesn't really fit into that mold very well. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I really do enjoy being home and spending time with them, but it's very rough on my tics and anxiety.
Being in my home environment has quickly made my tics increase. When I saw my CBIT therapist last week, she immediately noticed how much I was ticcing and told me she hadn't seen my tic this much in months. We discussed new strategies to try to decrease my tics in the home environment, such as taking "tic breaks" where I excuse myself to go to the bathroom while i'm around my family and just trying to spend less time around my family members (spending time with them in 30 min increments). These strategies seem to be helping to some extent, but my tics are still much worse than they have been over the past few months. As soon as i'm able to escape to a place where I can let my tics out, I start having so many facial tics, vocal tics, head and neck tics, and even full body tics. The other day I spent a solid period of time parked in a parking garage kicking, vocal ticcing, and jerking my body so hard that I felt my brain rattling around in my skull and got pretty dizzy.
Right now i'm up in my room while my parents prepare for the party. I've been helping prepare for the party quite a bit, but I had to escape to my room to tic and also to avoid the onion cutting. When my mom cuts onions for the Latkes for this party, my sensory processing issues go into overdrive as soon as my eyes feel any small amount of onion. It feels as if the onions are going in through my eyes and are filling my entire head with this sour and tingling feeling. The feeling will last for hours after the onions have been cut. Even though i've been avoiding the downstairs as much as I can, I've still gotten a bit of the onion feeling in my eyes. It's not nearly as bad as last year, but it's definitely still contributing to my tics.
I'm having a lot of tics right now. I hope they calm down for the party, but I kind of doubt they will. Luckily one of my very good friends will be coming to the party. Having her there will help me feel better, and like the previous years i'll be able to come upstairs with her to let out my bigger tics.
Anyway, I will probably make a post after the party is over about how it went. Happy Holidays to everyone and good luck to everyone trying to manage the holidays with tics!
After 5 months of CBIT treatment for my tics, my tics have been steadily decreeing, and i've started to get used to having less tics. However, coming home for winter break and having the holiday season has not been great for my tics. Being around my family members is very stressful for me (tic wise) and i'm sure those of you who have been following my blog for a while know why. For those of you who have not been following my blog, i'll just say this: I come from a family who values perfection and social status, and Tourette's doesn't really fit into that mold very well. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I really do enjoy being home and spending time with them, but it's very rough on my tics and anxiety.
Being in my home environment has quickly made my tics increase. When I saw my CBIT therapist last week, she immediately noticed how much I was ticcing and told me she hadn't seen my tic this much in months. We discussed new strategies to try to decrease my tics in the home environment, such as taking "tic breaks" where I excuse myself to go to the bathroom while i'm around my family and just trying to spend less time around my family members (spending time with them in 30 min increments). These strategies seem to be helping to some extent, but my tics are still much worse than they have been over the past few months. As soon as i'm able to escape to a place where I can let my tics out, I start having so many facial tics, vocal tics, head and neck tics, and even full body tics. The other day I spent a solid period of time parked in a parking garage kicking, vocal ticcing, and jerking my body so hard that I felt my brain rattling around in my skull and got pretty dizzy.
Right now i'm up in my room while my parents prepare for the party. I've been helping prepare for the party quite a bit, but I had to escape to my room to tic and also to avoid the onion cutting. When my mom cuts onions for the Latkes for this party, my sensory processing issues go into overdrive as soon as my eyes feel any small amount of onion. It feels as if the onions are going in through my eyes and are filling my entire head with this sour and tingling feeling. The feeling will last for hours after the onions have been cut. Even though i've been avoiding the downstairs as much as I can, I've still gotten a bit of the onion feeling in my eyes. It's not nearly as bad as last year, but it's definitely still contributing to my tics.
I'm having a lot of tics right now. I hope they calm down for the party, but I kind of doubt they will. Luckily one of my very good friends will be coming to the party. Having her there will help me feel better, and like the previous years i'll be able to come upstairs with her to let out my bigger tics.
Anyway, I will probably make a post after the party is over about how it went. Happy Holidays to everyone and good luck to everyone trying to manage the holidays with tics!
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Junior Year First Semester! Prove them Wrong :)
Well i'm back home for winter break. Overall, I had a great semester!
I was appointed to two leadership positions on campus. I'm now on the Executive Board for my university's chapter of Psi Chi, the National Honorary Society for Psychology and I was also appointed to be on the University Policy & Practice Affecting Students with Disabilities Committee.
I continued with the research i've been doing on Tourette's Syndrome and Traumatic Brain Injury on the medical school campus, and am working towards a number of publications for next semester. Hopefully at the end of next semester I will be able to say i've published a full paper on Tourette Syndrome and presented a poster on Traumatic Brain Injury at the National Conference of American Clinical Neuropsychology.
I also got two final grades back for the semester. One is an A and another is an A+ ! I'm pretty sure that the rest of my grades will also be A's as well. So far it's looking like I'll meet my goal for this semester which was to make the Dean's List at my University again.
Last thing I promise, I'm moving into a new dorm for next semester! I not only get a much bigger dorm room, but I also get to be closer to my classes, closer to the Starbucks on campus, and I'm right above the dining hall so I won't even have to go outside to get food. I get to be in a new dorm environment, meet new people, and live across from one of my friends in my sorority. I have a feeling next semester is going to be great!
Anyway, that's my semester in a nut shell. Don't ever let Tourette's hold you back! Make goals and work towards achieving them. Don't ever let someone make you think that you can't do something because of your Tourette's. If anyone ever does tell you something like this, prove them wrong :)
I was appointed to two leadership positions on campus. I'm now on the Executive Board for my university's chapter of Psi Chi, the National Honorary Society for Psychology and I was also appointed to be on the University Policy & Practice Affecting Students with Disabilities Committee.
I continued with the research i've been doing on Tourette's Syndrome and Traumatic Brain Injury on the medical school campus, and am working towards a number of publications for next semester. Hopefully at the end of next semester I will be able to say i've published a full paper on Tourette Syndrome and presented a poster on Traumatic Brain Injury at the National Conference of American Clinical Neuropsychology.
I also got two final grades back for the semester. One is an A and another is an A+ ! I'm pretty sure that the rest of my grades will also be A's as well. So far it's looking like I'll meet my goal for this semester which was to make the Dean's List at my University again.
Last thing I promise, I'm moving into a new dorm for next semester! I not only get a much bigger dorm room, but I also get to be closer to my classes, closer to the Starbucks on campus, and I'm right above the dining hall so I won't even have to go outside to get food. I get to be in a new dorm environment, meet new people, and live across from one of my friends in my sorority. I have a feeling next semester is going to be great!
Anyway, that's my semester in a nut shell. Don't ever let Tourette's hold you back! Make goals and work towards achieving them. Don't ever let someone make you think that you can't do something because of your Tourette's. If anyone ever does tell you something like this, prove them wrong :)
Monday, October 6, 2014
Going Out in Public with Tourette's
Today was the first time someone has laughed at me in public because of my tics. I was riding the metro back from the medical school coming back from working in the lab and was standing in the front of the metro. I was minding my own business and doing some eye tics such as blinking and rolling my eyes upwards when this guy started talking to me.
He was laughing and said to me "I see that look in your eyes" and then kept laughing. I didn't really no what to say so I just ignored him. He kept laughing for another minute or two and then when we got to the next stop, some people got off and some seats opening up so I went to sit down away from him.
I understand that he probably had no idea what Tourette's is and thought I was rolling my eyes on purpose, but it was just a new experience having a stranger comment on my tics like this. I wish more people could identity what tics are and understand that people with TS are not doing these things on purpose.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Talking at the Medical/Nursing School about Tourette's
Today was the day! I spoke on a panel with a neurologist and nurse to about 50 medical school students and nursing students! I was originally told there were going to be about 200-400 people there and was relieved when I got there to see there were only 50. The fact that there were less people made it easier and less stressful for me, but at the same time it would have been great if I could educated even more people. That's okay though, 50 people is a lot and educating people about Tourette's ins't simply a one day thing! I educate people on a regular basis!
Anyway, today I was excited to help future doctors and nurses understand more about Tourette's! I got tons of great questions and answered them as honestly as I could. I talked about my diagnosis process, CBIT, medication, how I tell my classes about my TS, my experience in school with TS, and more! One lady asked me if I could drive, and even though I told her I could, the neurologist wasn't so sure that I convinced her, lol.
Afterwards , an older man came up to me and told me that he enjoyed the talk, that he now knows TS is so much more than swearing which he didn't know before, that he thought I was really in control of my life, was doing great a great job dealing with living with Tourette's, and that he loves the way I live my life. That made my day!
At the end, my neurologists nurse told me that she thinks everyone really enjoyed having me there and that I was really helpful. I felt really confident on stage and like I could just be myself. I'm proud of myself for spreading awareness and talking openly and confidently about my Tourette's in front of such a large group. Hopefully I made a difference :)
Anyway, today I was excited to help future doctors and nurses understand more about Tourette's! I got tons of great questions and answered them as honestly as I could. I talked about my diagnosis process, CBIT, medication, how I tell my classes about my TS, my experience in school with TS, and more! One lady asked me if I could drive, and even though I told her I could, the neurologist wasn't so sure that I convinced her, lol.
Afterwards , an older man came up to me and told me that he enjoyed the talk, that he now knows TS is so much more than swearing which he didn't know before, that he thought I was really in control of my life, was doing great a great job dealing with living with Tourette's, and that he loves the way I live my life. That made my day!
At the end, my neurologists nurse told me that she thinks everyone really enjoyed having me there and that I was really helpful. I felt really confident on stage and like I could just be myself. I'm proud of myself for spreading awareness and talking openly and confidently about my Tourette's in front of such a large group. Hopefully I made a difference :)
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