So yesterday was memorial day! I went to two memorial day "pool" parities. A sorority pool party and a family pool party! This is the first time in a long while that I have actually been able to go to a pool party wearing a swimming suit and confident that I would be able to go in the pool. My OCD made this impossible in the past and I am so proud of myself that because of how hard I worked and how much of my OCD I was able to overcome during my intensive treatment I will be able to have fun today, do what everyone else is doing, and not have to worry about my OCD getting in the way! I love that I got to wear a cute swimming suit, a sun dress, and flip flops! All things that I would not have been able to do a year ago because of my OCD.
Even though it ended up raining and no one actually got in to either pool at either party, I was just happy that I could have gotten in the pool if that's what everyone else was doing! I had a fun time at both parties even though it was rainy and yucky outside! We stayed inside for both parties and they were fun. Great food, friends, and family! :)
Showing posts with label Therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Therapy. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
Two important conversations with my mom. Accepting TS.
So last night I had a conversation with my mom about TS that really upset both her and myself. We were not communicating well last night and both of us got angry and frustrated.
I had another conversation with my mom about TS though this morning. I think we really got somewhere this time. I was not ready to just accept that she would never accept that I have TS. So I talked to her about how I was feeling and she talked to me about how she was feeling as well.
I think we came to a solid understanding. I understand now that her frustration stems from the fact that she didn't know I had TS and its associated conditions as a child. She told me she wished she had known when I was a child that I had TS because then she could have gotten me proper therapy for my sensory processing disorder, OCD, and TS.
It's hard for her to admit to herself that I have TS because that means to her that she knows she could have done so much more for me as a child and she could have been more understanding of my behavior. When I was young she did not understand that my fear of fast movements, sports, elevators, and stairs was a result of my sensory processing disorder. She didn't understand my anxiety and OCD and tics. She thought I wanted attention and that I was being manipulative and she blames herself for thinking this instead of getting me the help I needed.
I went to occupational therapy as a child for a short period of time but she said if she had known what she knows now should could have kept me in OT longer and started me with an OT at even a younger age. She thinks she could have done more for me and she blames herself for not knowing what was going on with her child and she blames my father for not telling her that my behaviors were a result of the genetic predisposition that his family has for TS+.
I think now that we both understand this, we can both understand each other better. I now know that she really knows I have TS+ and has known that deep down for a long time. There is just a part of her that didn't want to believe it because it means that she blamed me as a child for things I could not control. I really think she is moving towards true acceptance though. She knows that I really do have TS+ because she has seen it all along. She knows that I should tell others, including my future boy friends or future husband because she knows first hand what it was like not to know that her husband had TS/OCD and that her children had a strong predisposition for TS/OCD. After this conversation I think we both understand our feelings better and we both understand each other better. We really made progress today and I am very happy about that.
I had another conversation with my mom about TS though this morning. I think we really got somewhere this time. I was not ready to just accept that she would never accept that I have TS. So I talked to her about how I was feeling and she talked to me about how she was feeling as well.
I think we came to a solid understanding. I understand now that her frustration stems from the fact that she didn't know I had TS and its associated conditions as a child. She told me she wished she had known when I was a child that I had TS because then she could have gotten me proper therapy for my sensory processing disorder, OCD, and TS.
It's hard for her to admit to herself that I have TS because that means to her that she knows she could have done so much more for me as a child and she could have been more understanding of my behavior. When I was young she did not understand that my fear of fast movements, sports, elevators, and stairs was a result of my sensory processing disorder. She didn't understand my anxiety and OCD and tics. She thought I wanted attention and that I was being manipulative and she blames herself for thinking this instead of getting me the help I needed.
I went to occupational therapy as a child for a short period of time but she said if she had known what she knows now should could have kept me in OT longer and started me with an OT at even a younger age. She thinks she could have done more for me and she blames herself for not knowing what was going on with her child and she blames my father for not telling her that my behaviors were a result of the genetic predisposition that his family has for TS+.
I think now that we both understand this, we can both understand each other better. I now know that she really knows I have TS+ and has known that deep down for a long time. There is just a part of her that didn't want to believe it because it means that she blamed me as a child for things I could not control. I really think she is moving towards true acceptance though. She knows that I really do have TS+ because she has seen it all along. She knows that I should tell others, including my future boy friends or future husband because she knows first hand what it was like not to know that her husband had TS/OCD and that her children had a strong predisposition for TS/OCD. After this conversation I think we both understand our feelings better and we both understand each other better. We really made progress today and I am very happy about that.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
New Years Resolutions for 2013!
Hey guys! So I just watched a video made by my friend Lena who also has Tourette's and who will be participating in the documentary! Here is a link to her fabulous video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J33ZuU5pjCU
Her video is about her New Years Resolutions and while watching the video I thought about how I really haven't sat down yet to make my resolutions for 2013. Let's just say I've kind of been putting it off. So in this post, I plan to sit down and write out my New Years resolutions for 2013 once and for all! Some will relate to Tourette's and my associated conditions and some will just be about resolutions for my general life. Also they are not in any particular order of importance. I will just write them down as I think of them!
Also, you can comment on this post to share any or all of your new years resolutions! I would love to hear your resolutions for 2013!
1.) Actually talking to my professors during the first week about my Tourette's.
The first semester of college, I didn't really tell any of my professors (besides one) about my Tourette's. I am kind of disappointed in myself that I didn't tell them about my tics. None of my professors had a problem with my tics or brought them up at all really despite the fact that I ticced a lot in class but I know it would have been better for both them and myself if I had given them a heads up about my tics so that we would be on the same page about it and so that they would know that I wasn't making faces at them or reacting to the lecture in any way, it was just my tics. I missed an opportunity to educate them about Tourette's and to stand up for myself and to show both them and myself that I was not ashamed of my Tourette's. So this next semester (which starts next Monday) I plan to stop by my professors' office hours during the first week of school to let them know in person about my accommodations and about my tics.
2.) Work my hardest in school.
The first semester of college was a big transition time for me. I was adjusting to a completely new situation. I was living away from home for the first time, trying to make new friends, and just trying to adjust to everything that was brand new. Although my parents are very happy with my grades from first semester, I know I can work harder. So next semester I am going to work harder academically which means reading more, studying more, and spending more time hitting the books!
3.) Be open to new ideas and new experiences.
I think I did a fairly good job of being open to new ideas and experiences first semester, but in college new ideas and new experiences are everywhere! I will be even more open to these new experiences and will try to approach things with an open mind.
4.) Get involved!
The first semester I was so busy with the new social life and academic life that I didn't really get involved in extra curricular activities. I did work in the neuroimaging lab at the medical school all semester and plan to continue working there next semester, but I feel like I need to get involved with something like the literary magazine or the newspaper, so I will really try hard to get involved with something like that this semester.
5.) Exercise to help with my anxiety!
My therapist that I see for my OCD and anxiety keeps telling me that I need to start doing at least 30 minutes of cardio exercise a day as a part of my treatment for my OCD and anxiety disorder. She said that doesn't have to mean going to the gym every day but it just means doing something to get my heart pumping for 30 minutes a day. I can run or walk quickly outside for 30 minutes, do jumping jacks and run in place in my room for 30 minutes, or on days when I do have the time I can go to the gym. I also promised my friends in my dorm that I would go to the gym on campus with them after break so I need to keep that promise!
Well those are my New Years resolutions so far for next year! Again, comment on this post to share any or all of your new years resolutions! I would love to hear your resolutions for 2013!
Saturday, December 8, 2012
My New Therapist For Anxiety at School and Suggestions for Anyone who has Trouble Sleeping
Well I promised I would post about my new therapist I saw for anxiety at school so that's what this post is going to be about.
I was really kind of nervous going to see her because she's a therapist on campus through student health services and for some reason that made me nervous. Besides my initial nerves though, it really went well! She is so nice and I really like her so far. She gave me some really good strategies for dealing with my anxiety and sleeping problems such as focusing on deep breathing and focusing on monitoring anxiety provoking thoughts.
I've already tried using some of the strategies she suggested and so far they really help! On Friday I had two tests back to back and I did a lot of practice with the deep breathing she taught me before the tests and while I was talking the tests and it really helped me to feel more relaxed and less anxious overall.
Another neat thing she is having me do is to try to help with my sleeping problem is that before bed I write down three things that happened during the day that I am grateful for. When you do this kind of memory recall it apparently activates the frontal lobe and while the frontal lobe is activated, the part of your brain that creates panic and anxiety (the amygdala) can't be activated simultaneously. I've only tried this a few times, but it's actually been making a difference with helping me sleep so far!
So if you have trouble sleeping due to anxiety or tics or whatever, try this tactic of writing down three things that happened during the day that you are grateful for. It might feel weird at first, but trust me it will help!
Then when you're in bed, try putting your hands on your stomach and pretending there is a balloon in your stomach. When you breathe in and breathe out, you have to feel the balloon in your stomach inflating and deflating slowly and try not to move your chest up and down at all. Count to 4 when you breath in, pause for 2, count to 4 when you breathe out, then pause for two again to make sure your breathing is slow and regular and it will really help!
I was really kind of nervous going to see her because she's a therapist on campus through student health services and for some reason that made me nervous. Besides my initial nerves though, it really went well! She is so nice and I really like her so far. She gave me some really good strategies for dealing with my anxiety and sleeping problems such as focusing on deep breathing and focusing on monitoring anxiety provoking thoughts.
I've already tried using some of the strategies she suggested and so far they really help! On Friday I had two tests back to back and I did a lot of practice with the deep breathing she taught me before the tests and while I was talking the tests and it really helped me to feel more relaxed and less anxious overall.
Another neat thing she is having me do is to try to help with my sleeping problem is that before bed I write down three things that happened during the day that I am grateful for. When you do this kind of memory recall it apparently activates the frontal lobe and while the frontal lobe is activated, the part of your brain that creates panic and anxiety (the amygdala) can't be activated simultaneously. I've only tried this a few times, but it's actually been making a difference with helping me sleep so far!
So if you have trouble sleeping due to anxiety or tics or whatever, try this tactic of writing down three things that happened during the day that you are grateful for. It might feel weird at first, but trust me it will help!
Then when you're in bed, try putting your hands on your stomach and pretending there is a balloon in your stomach. When you breathe in and breathe out, you have to feel the balloon in your stomach inflating and deflating slowly and try not to move your chest up and down at all. Count to 4 when you breath in, pause for 2, count to 4 when you breathe out, then pause for two again to make sure your breathing is slow and regular and it will really help!
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Seeing a new therapist for my anxiety
Hey guys! One thing I really haven't written about on here yet is about my general anxiety. I guess I was busy blogging about Tourette's and OCD! Anyway I have a lot of generalized anxiety since I do have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and lately my anxiety has been getting worse here in college with all the new stress. I worry about a lot of things on an almost constant basis such as my friends, my grades, my family, and my own health and sleep. Lately since i'm in college i've had a lot of anxiety about friends and grades in particular.
I worry and am anxious about if my new friends really do like me and really consider me to be one of their friends. I worry about if they think my tics are annoying or if they wish I would stop but can't say anything to me because they know I have Tourette's. I worry if they will get fed up with my tics and eventually will decide they don't want to put up with it anymore. I worry that they don't view me as they view other people but instead view me as a person with a disorder/disability. Even though I really have no proof that they think these things and these thoughts just come from my own head I still worry about them a lot. I also worry that they don't think I'm mature enough or interesting enough and will eventually decide they just don't like my personality.
I also worry about my grades and homework and studying. Sometimes just doing my homework causes so much anxiety that I avoid doing it and just surf the internet or working on the documentary or being on facebook. I know, that's really bad. I do it eventually, but I don't spend as much time on it as I could have and I don't try as hard as I know I could. I know I could be studying harder and doing more work but its just too anxiety provoking for me. Even though I'm at a very prestigious college and am getting pretty decent grades, I know I am capable of even more but I just don't want to push myself that far right now because of my anxiety.
All of this anxiety makes me feel really tense all the time. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe very well because my throat is so tight and the muscles around my throat, face, and neck are so tight. I clench my jaw really tight as well which I'm not sure if this is a tic or a result of my anxiety. I've also been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately because of my anxiety. I don't want to try to fall asleep because the process of falling asleep causes so much anxiety for me so I stay up until 12 or 12:30 just avoiding turning off the lights and putting my lap top away. Then once I do start trying to sleep my tics get really bad from being anxious, I worry that I am bothering other people in the dorm, I worry that I won't get enough sleep and that i'll be tired the next day, I trash in my bed and can't stop my brain from thinking in circles about things that make me anxious because there is nothing to do except lie there. It takes me between 2 and 3 hours to actually go to sleep and then once I am asleep I have these awful nightmares. Luckily I usually stay asleep until the morning though.
Then the next day i'm tired and take a nap but when I take a nap I don't have any anxiety about sleeping. I really enjoy the nap but never am able to enjoy sleeping at night.
So anyway the point of all this really was to say that I'm going to be seeing a new therapist/counselor here at my college specifically for my anxiety. I'm actually kind of excited. I haven't had great luck with therapists in the past and I've really only had three therapists that i've actually liked. Well for most people that might sound like a lot but for someone like me who has seen more therapists in their life that they can count that's not very good. Well maybe I actually can count....lets see...I think i've seen 14 therapists in some form or another throughout my life! Wow that's really a lot. I guess I didn't realize I've seen that many therapists in my life. I'm going to have to do a whole different blog post now on all the different therapists i've seen and what I liked about that/didn't like/etc.
Anyway each time I see a new therapist I have high hopes that I'm really going to like them and connect with them and they're really going to understand me like no one else ever has. Maybe I get my hopes up too high really. I haven't had that therapist yet who has changed my life and even though I don't think this new therapist is going to change my life or anything, I am just hoping that she will be someone who will help me lessen all this anxiety i'm dealing with and maybe as an extra bonus she will really understand me and at least be someone I can talk to openly and give me some positive feedback when i'm talking to her. I hope she's nice and I hope she will be able to understand all this stuff I deal with on a level that my peers and parents can't understand.
I'm still seeing a therapist off campus for my OCD but I only see her once a month now on a maintenance program just to make sure i'm maintaining the gains i've made with my exposure therapy but right now i'm not pushing forward with my OCD because in my opinion my OCD is pretty under control right now for the situation i'm in here at college. I know i'll have to do more work with exposure therapy in the future but right now i'm just focusing on college.
I see the new therapist here on campus for the first time this Thursday at 9am. I even am getting up at like 8:30 to go see her so that tells you something. I don't get up at that time of the morning in college like ever but i'm willing to do it for this. I will let you guys know how it goes with her and I will probably do a post about all the various therapists i've had and my experiences with them. Wow that will be a long post. Maybe i'll break it up into a part 1, part 2 kind of thing.
I worry and am anxious about if my new friends really do like me and really consider me to be one of their friends. I worry about if they think my tics are annoying or if they wish I would stop but can't say anything to me because they know I have Tourette's. I worry if they will get fed up with my tics and eventually will decide they don't want to put up with it anymore. I worry that they don't view me as they view other people but instead view me as a person with a disorder/disability. Even though I really have no proof that they think these things and these thoughts just come from my own head I still worry about them a lot. I also worry that they don't think I'm mature enough or interesting enough and will eventually decide they just don't like my personality.
I also worry about my grades and homework and studying. Sometimes just doing my homework causes so much anxiety that I avoid doing it and just surf the internet or working on the documentary or being on facebook. I know, that's really bad. I do it eventually, but I don't spend as much time on it as I could have and I don't try as hard as I know I could. I know I could be studying harder and doing more work but its just too anxiety provoking for me. Even though I'm at a very prestigious college and am getting pretty decent grades, I know I am capable of even more but I just don't want to push myself that far right now because of my anxiety.
All of this anxiety makes me feel really tense all the time. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe very well because my throat is so tight and the muscles around my throat, face, and neck are so tight. I clench my jaw really tight as well which I'm not sure if this is a tic or a result of my anxiety. I've also been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately because of my anxiety. I don't want to try to fall asleep because the process of falling asleep causes so much anxiety for me so I stay up until 12 or 12:30 just avoiding turning off the lights and putting my lap top away. Then once I do start trying to sleep my tics get really bad from being anxious, I worry that I am bothering other people in the dorm, I worry that I won't get enough sleep and that i'll be tired the next day, I trash in my bed and can't stop my brain from thinking in circles about things that make me anxious because there is nothing to do except lie there. It takes me between 2 and 3 hours to actually go to sleep and then once I am asleep I have these awful nightmares. Luckily I usually stay asleep until the morning though.
Then the next day i'm tired and take a nap but when I take a nap I don't have any anxiety about sleeping. I really enjoy the nap but never am able to enjoy sleeping at night.
So anyway the point of all this really was to say that I'm going to be seeing a new therapist/counselor here at my college specifically for my anxiety. I'm actually kind of excited. I haven't had great luck with therapists in the past and I've really only had three therapists that i've actually liked. Well for most people that might sound like a lot but for someone like me who has seen more therapists in their life that they can count that's not very good. Well maybe I actually can count....lets see...I think i've seen 14 therapists in some form or another throughout my life! Wow that's really a lot. I guess I didn't realize I've seen that many therapists in my life. I'm going to have to do a whole different blog post now on all the different therapists i've seen and what I liked about that/didn't like/etc.
Anyway each time I see a new therapist I have high hopes that I'm really going to like them and connect with them and they're really going to understand me like no one else ever has. Maybe I get my hopes up too high really. I haven't had that therapist yet who has changed my life and even though I don't think this new therapist is going to change my life or anything, I am just hoping that she will be someone who will help me lessen all this anxiety i'm dealing with and maybe as an extra bonus she will really understand me and at least be someone I can talk to openly and give me some positive feedback when i'm talking to her. I hope she's nice and I hope she will be able to understand all this stuff I deal with on a level that my peers and parents can't understand.
I'm still seeing a therapist off campus for my OCD but I only see her once a month now on a maintenance program just to make sure i'm maintaining the gains i've made with my exposure therapy but right now i'm not pushing forward with my OCD because in my opinion my OCD is pretty under control right now for the situation i'm in here at college. I know i'll have to do more work with exposure therapy in the future but right now i'm just focusing on college.
I see the new therapist here on campus for the first time this Thursday at 9am. I even am getting up at like 8:30 to go see her so that tells you something. I don't get up at that time of the morning in college like ever but i'm willing to do it for this. I will let you guys know how it goes with her and I will probably do a post about all the various therapists i've had and my experiences with them. Wow that will be a long post. Maybe i'll break it up into a part 1, part 2 kind of thing.
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