Valentines day! :)

Happy Valentines day everyone! What are you doing to celebrate? I'll be spending valentines day with my amazing boy friend who accepts me, tics and all. Although I haven't been ticcing around him a lot (a combination of suppressing and the fact that my tics have decreased a lot because of CBIT), he knows I have tics and it doesn't change his opinion about me.

Yesterday he gave me an amazing compliment! I was telling him about volunteering with the kids at the hospital and how they seem to like me and he said "Of course they like you! You're so laid back and sweet. You're the kind of person who a child would naturally feel comfortable with and open up to". I so appreciated his compliment! It made me feel great and so special smile emoticon

Telling The Guy I'm Dating About My Tics! :)

Well I finally did it! I told the guy i'm dating about my tics. It's a GIANT weight off my shoulders, and it ultimately wasn't that big of a deal at all. I told him last night very casually while talking about camp. We sat down to eat some dinner and when he asked how my day was I told him it was great because I sent in my application for my 3rd year as a counselor at the camp I've been volunteering at in the summer. I had told him a little about the camp before, but this time I went into more detail. I told him that I'm looking forward to seeing all my campers who i've made such close bonds with. I told him that I bond with them and they really look up to me because I had tics when I was younger too, know what it's like, and am able to give them advice and be an older role model who has been though what they've been though.

I also told him that I still have tics, but i'm able to suppress/ hold them back more than I was able to when I was younger. I told him that it's like a cough or a sneeze, you can feel it coming and hold it back. I told him it's kind of like when you're in a movie theater and don't want to make noise so you try not to cough, and then when you get out of the theater, you just cough a lot! He said he didn't know it was like that. I told him that's why he hasn't really seen me do any tics and he agreed that he hadn't noticed anything and said he didn't know I had tics.

He was really great about everything I told him about my tics. He was very understanding, very positive, and even asked me a question ( I love when people have the courage to ask questions, instead of just sit there, smile, and nod). He tried to be compassionate and sympathetic by telling me that sometimes his eye twitches so he knows what it's like to not want other people to see that, but that ultimately you can't control it, so you shouldn't be embarrassed. He also said that he understands that people might judge you when they shouldn't because you're twitching or moving , but they shouldn't judge you because its not something you can control.

When I was telling him I made sure to stress that it wasn't a big deal, that my really good friends who've seen my tics a lot say they don’t even notice it anymore and I also made sure to tell him it's made me into a more compassionate person and understanding others differences.

After I told him, we studied together and when it was time to leave, I walked him out, he kissed me goodbye, and told me he would text me the next day. Sure enough, he texted me today and asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with him. Dinner tonight went well and I felt much more relaxed around him. I am so glad I told him. I feel like now I can be so much more invested in the relationship and be myself more. I also now know that he is accepting of the fact I have tics and still wants to go out with me. It's still going to take me a while to actually feel comfortable ticcing around him, but i'm getting there! This was a huge step for me, and I'm so glad it turned out so well. Thank you to everyone (shout out to Brandy especially!! You helped me so much in terms of taking this step!) for supporting me through this and helping me to have the courage to tell him. I feel so relieved and happy. Everything in my life is just going right :) I am in such a good place right now, I couldn't ask for anything more. I feel so blessed :)

Is it time to tell him about my tics?

Last night the guy I have been going on dates with asked me if I would like to go out with him officially. I said yes smile emoticon 

So now I can say that we're officially going out and that for now I am no longer single. I like so much about him. I really like how open he is with me and that he is not afraid to show me who he truly is. I also really like his personality in general and how he is a really great conversationalist. We always have something to talk about and it's always engaging and thought provoking to be around him. I like that he wants to spend time getting to know me and he really seems to like me. He gives me so many complements and tells me how cute I am, how much he likes spending time with me, and how happy he is that he met me.

Today he opened up to me about some things that were more on the personal side, and even though I was hesitant to, I opened up to him more too. I told me that I have sensory issues and OCD traits. He seemed really okay with it and didn't seem to think much of it at all. It didn't seem to affect how he feels about me and after I told him that he asked me to get ice cream later tonight and hang out more. This gives me more confidence that if I told him about my tics, it wouldn't affect how he feels about me either. There is still that nagging thought in the back of my head though, that fear that he will not accept me. I know it's just the fear that has been instilled in me by my parents that is making me feel this way. I know intellectually that he probably won't reject me because of my tics. The fear and the emotion is so real though. I think at this point I just have to take a leap of faith and plunge off the diving board. I think the sooner I make the leap, the easier it will be to be myself around him.

I'm not sure when exactly i'm going to take that leap and tell him, but I am hoping I will have the courage to do it soon, maybe even tonight when we get ice cream together. I plan on telling him in a very casual way and not making a big deal about it. I'll keep you guys updated on what I decide to do! Please wish me luck :) 

Dating with Tourette Syndrome

Aw I love this! This is so cute! I recently started going on dates with a guy that I really like. We have known eachother for about a little more than a week and have been on quite a few dates. He really seems to like me and I really like him as well. I haven't told him about my TS/ tics, but I have done some very mild tics around him that I haven't been able to hold back. I don't think he's noticed, but I can't really tell. 

This video helps me feel more hopeful about telling him. I have never in my life had anyone to comfort me when I was having tics. My parents always asked me to stop, my friends understand my tics and what they are but don't quite know what to say when i'm having a lot of tics besides asking "are you okay?" or ignoring it, and so i've always relied on self comfort or just "getting though it". If some day I could get to the point with him (or with someone else, if our relationship doesn't continue) where he could comfort me or hold me while i'm having a lot of tics, It would be so nice and so comforting. I have never relied on anyone else in my entire life as far as my tics go. So I do think letting someone else help me or comfort me would take some getting used to, but once I got used to it, I think it would be so nice.

For now, i'm no where close to that though. For now, he doesn't even know I have tics. I suppress around him because I am afraid of how he would react if he found out. I'm afraid he would reject me because of my tics. I know it's almost unfair for me to judge him like this. For me to assume that he would be the kind of person that would reject someone based on a medical condition is almost the same kind of judgment that I am afraid of. I don't make this assumption based on the kind of person he is. Actually, I feel like based on what I know about him, he would be accepting. Right now, the reason I am not telling him and have no idea at what point I will tell him is because of what I have been told ever since my diagnosis in high school. It's so hard for me to get past the possibility that he will reject me. As soon as I was diagnosed (actually legitimately at the appointment when I was diagnosed) they told me not to tell anyone. They told me if my friends found out, they would no longer be my friends. They told me if an employer found out, they would fire me and/or I would never get the job in the first place. They told me doors would close for me. And most of all they told me no one would ever date me or be interested in me romantically if they knew about my TS. This crushed me, and it has been so hard for me to get past.

Even with all of my amazing friends who I have told about my TS and who have always accepted me, even with the evidence that not once has anyone ever rejected when I told them about my TS, even though everyone has been nothing but kind and incredibly accepting, it is still so hard for me to emotionally get past the fear of what my parents told me would happen.

Right now I don't know when or if i'm going to tell him about my tics. I know it's not practical or possible for me to hide my tics from him forever, especially if we start a real relationship (and so far, it looks like that's the direction in which its moving). Right now all I know is that i'm taking it one day at a time.

Tonight we're going to a party together and then we're going to hang at his apartment and watch Sherlock! I'm looking forward to spending more time with him. I think tonight we'll have a good time. Suppressing my tics around him can be difficult, but so far it hasn't been spoiling anything or affect my ability to have fun/ be myself around him. The more time I spend with him, the more difficult it is becoming. I just try to relax and forget about my tics though. It can be hard, but the more comfortable I become around him, the more I will be able to relax and let some tics out. I'll keep you guys updated.

2nd Date!

My tics are pretty intense today. I'm nervous because I have a date tonight with a guy I really like! We're going to get a drink at an awesome bar near campus. This is our second date. Wish me luck! He's such a sweet guy and although he doesn't know about my tics yet, I'm feeling good about telling him about them when I get to know him better :) 

The next day: 

My date went really well last night! Thank you to everyone who wished me luck! Hoping things will progress from here and that we'll have a third date. I think we will based on how things went last night :)