Thursday, October 20, 2011

A New Power

So I know i've already posted for today but I had some thoughts tonight when I met with my math tutor, Mr. Sits on Towel, and I just had to write a post about it before I forgot what my thoughts were. I've been seeing Mr. Sits on Towel for math tutoring for quite a while now but usually I'm so focused on the math that I don't tic all that much. Tonight though I saw him later than usual, 8:00, and I drove myself to the book store where we were meeting. This made me extra stressed so my eye rolling tic was really acting up. My eyes would just not listen tonight as my tics have been quite bad today so my eyes continued to roll as he explained some math to me. He stopped me in the middle of the lesson and asked "Are you looking at something over there?" At first I was confused but when I realized he was talking about my eye tic I calmly said "Oh sorry, it's a tic. I really don't mean to do it". I probably would have gone into the TS explanation but Country Club Mom was sitting at a table near by and I had recognized her as one of my mom's friends earlier in the session. Also I think he got the idea because most people assume I mean some form of Tourettes when I bring up tics. Mr. Sits on Towel looked unsettled and went back to teaching the lesson. Later in the session he brought it back up though insisting that he had to explain himself because he felt really embarrassed about bringing it up and asking me about the eye rolling. He said he was worried that because I ticced right before he made a comment he thought I might have been rolling my eyes at him and he was confused because I had never been sarcastic or rude to him before. He said he was really sorry for mentioning it at all but I quickly reassured him that it was no big deal at all and that people ask me about my tics all the time and I don't mind explaining. I also said I was sorry for rolling my eyes and again that I really wasn't doing it on purpose. From there he told me not to apologize and that he was the one who needed to apologize for bringing it up. Is it wrong to feel a sense of satisfaction here? I think no. I have never had the ability to make others feel embarrassed or like they said the wrong thing to me in general much less when commenting on my tics. All my life I have been the one who was embarrassed when people comment or make fun of my tics as a younger child and now when people comment I politely explain that I can't help it or don't do it on purpose and that I have Tourettes. They are the ones who feel bad. Not me anymore. It's like a new power. I am the one who has the upper hand, and tonight it felt really good to be the one to reassure my tutor that he had not said the wrong thing when he was feeling rather embarrassed. I assured him that his embarrassment was unnecessary but somehow I was satisfied with the fact that he felt as if he should be embarrassed. I am not the one who is doing wrong by ticcing; other people are doing wrong by judging and they know it. :)

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