Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Clonodine Patch?

So long story short, my cousin and I have been connecting a lot through text. I am so glad we have a better connection now. She makes me feel so understood, which is something I rarely get from family. She understands me on a level like no other, like the people at camp. 

The only thing is that she's been on this thing called a Clonodine patch for a year and says she is 100% tic free. I think this is fantastic for her and I am so happy she doesn't have to deal with tics anymore. It's just I guess selfishly it makes me feel more alone. I shouldn't feel this way because regardless of if she has tics or not right now she still has Tourette's none the less like me. I have a bit of a decision to make though now. Our cases are so similar and our genetics are so similar that the clonodine patch could help me a lot too. I can't beleive i'm saying this, but i'm more afraid it will make me 100% tic free than I am afraid of any possible side effects. I've had tics for so long now and my tics are a part of me. I am afraid of not having my tics. Sure I would love to not have to supress in public or to not have that feeling that I need to tic during a movie or in a big class with lots of people in it and have to supress it. But what about when i'm with my friends? what about that feeling of love and acceptace I get from when i'm ticcing like crazy and my friends treat it as if it it 100% normal? What about that feeling of love and acceptance I feel at camp? Would I still have that feeling there without my tics? Would I still feel like I belong there? What about how my tics make me feel special and unique? Would I still feel special and unique without my tics? I don't know.

Gosh there are so many emotions wrapped up in this. But I feel like I don't have a choice, the possible benefits to my health and well being that this patch might create outweigh my feelings of what I would miss about being a ticcer.

I can't know 100% that the patch would get rid of my tics, it's only an assumption based on what it did for my cousin. But it's running me though a lot of different emotions right now. I think most of all I am afraid of change like always. I never have liked change, and this would be a major change. 

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