Waiting in Limbo

Well if there's one thing I can say I safely hate, it's waiting. I hate waiting in line, waiting for something to start, or waiting to leave. These last two weeks have involved some major waiting and I'm not a huge fan of it at all! I've applied to a few different research positions, and have had many interviews over the past few weeks. In total i've had 7 interviews now! Three at my number one choice here in my home town, four with a program fairly close by but in another state, and one with a lab that I probably would not end up taking if they offered it to me for a number of reasons. I'm waiting to hear back from them. All of last week I got up each morning to check my email early in the morning only to see each day that there was no email! Turns out my #1 choice had a delay due to the PI being out of town and a big grant that was due, so now i'm supposed to hear back from them this week. The other lab had some major changes so the job is very different now than it was originally. Rather than working on multiple projects with two different people, now I would just be working on one project and it would be a one year commitment rather than a 2 year. The other position is a 2 year commitment. The potential offers are ever changing, and I currently have no idea what i'll be doing next year (or for the next two years). Hopefully I'll hear back this week with some offers. As of now, i'm waiting in limbo and running as many subjects I can to finish my senior thesis.

It's cold and snowing outside. It snowed all day and the roads were treacherous. I saw two cars that had crashed within 5 min of each other. One was off the road the fireman were trying to pry the doors open. I felt like I was on Chicago Fire or Rescue 911. I drove very slowly after seeing that. Then I met my mom at starbucks and we worked together. She told me about her job and how she doesn't like one of the resource teachers. I showed her the map of where all the care packages that my new organization has made have been sent to so far. Now i'm sitting in bed in my dorm room and I think i'll watch a little of the new episode of Chicago fire before bed. I'll take my melatonin and clonidine before though. I tried to get off clonidine, but it didn't work out so well so I'm back on it now. When I got off it, my tics got bad when lying in bed trying to fall asleep and it was just really unpleasant and not a lot of fun. Now i'm back on the clonidine and all is well with sleep.

New Years Resolution - Exercise

It's a little late, but i've finally decided on my new years resolution! Exercise! Yep, I know i've said it before but this time I mean it for real! Today was my second day following my exercise routine. First and foremost I want it to benefit my heart and give me a long life. I'm also hoping for a decrease in anxiety, OCD symptoms, and Restless leg syndrome symptoms. It's too soon to tell because its only my second day of staying on the routine, but one thing i'm noticing is its not as hard as I thought it was going to be. Its sometimes hard to get myself motivated to do it, but once i'm doing it I feel motivated to try my hardest to get my heart pumping. My goal is to exercise at least 3-4 times a week. Two down for this week, one more to go! Planning on exercising again on Saturday or Sunday. I like doing the cardio routines on youtube. Running hurts my neck and head but so far the cardio routines don't! Woo-hoo!

Excessive Guilt - OCD

Something i've been dealing with lately is excessive guilt. I've dealt with this before and I know it's another symptom of my OCD. It can be very taxing, and like all obsessions it can feel so real. Every time I do something that I, or others around me perceive to be wrong, I cannot shake the feeling of extreme guilt. In the past this has made me "walk on egg shells in the past" because i'm so afraid to do something wrong. I wrong express my true opinions or wont show my personality because i'm afraid of doing something wrong and once again feeling the extreme sense of guilt. It's certainly hard, but I just have to realize its another symptom of my OCD and that I can't let it get in my way or control me.

Also on the more positive side, my interview went so well! I got asked back for a "call back" interview with the head of the lab, so that's obviously a good sign :)

I will be so happy if I get this research position in my home town, but I also know that there are other options out of town as back up options. I just hope that whatever position I get will allow me to take time off for camp. I don't know what I would do without camp. I love being with all the kiddos there and seeing my counselor friends too. Hopefully we'll do another counselor reunion soon :)

Moving Forward

Well i've been avoiding writing this post for a while now. I haven't written in a while as I haven't really felt the need. When I started this blog it was an outlet for me to express my feeling about having Tourete's, and lately I haven't really felt like I need that outlet. For so long Tourette's was such a big part of my life. The tics or the OCD was almost always on my mind in one way or another throughout the day. For the past few months though, Tourette's has been on the back burner. I guess this is a good thing. Since I finished my CBIT treatment, my tics have improved a lot. I rarely have motor tics that are painful anymore and my vocal tics are quiet for the most part (because the one or two loud ones i'll have every now and then). I've been so busy applying for jobs and figuring out my future, and the tics that I still do have haven't been such a big deal lately.

It's nice for a change to have Tourette's on the back burner, but it is a change and it does feel different.   For so long i've been used to Tourette's running my life and now I feel like i'm finally the one in charge. I'm still working on the OCD. I've made so much progress through exposure therapy and now only have a few things left to tackle before I get my owe place. Its crazy to think i'm going to graduate from college in just a few months and that i'll have my own apartment very soon. I'm excited to have my own place, start cooking meals for myself, and have a real job. Its safe to say i'm really growing up.

I have my first real interview on Tuesday. I'm nervous but also excited. My mom's been helping me prep and i've been practicing a lot for it. I even went out shopping today to find the perfect interview outfit. All my friends have been telling me I need a blazer for an interview. No luck funding the perfect outfit today, but hopefully I'll find out tomorrow.

I hate to say it, but I'm not sure how much i'm going to blog anymore. I haven't felt very motivated to write about Tourette's or OCD because I haven't had them on my mind recently. I've been so focused on school, getting a job, friends, and other relationships. That's the way it should be though. It's been 5 years almost since i've been diagnosed with Tourette's. 5 years! It's crazy for me to think about. Tourette's is always going to be a part of me, but from now on i'm hoping it will be a smaller part of me, almost a side note. I feel like Tourette's, OCD, anxiety and everything has taken time away from me, taken experiences away from me. I didn't have anything close to a typical high school or collage experience and I know a lot of that had to do with my Tourette's and its co-occuring conditions. I feel like it robbed me in a way. It robbed me of so much. I'm ready to move forward with my life and stop looking back though. I read a quote the other day that said "Don't look back, you're not going that way" and it's really so true. Instead of being angry about what my disorders have taken from me in the past, I need to move forward without fear. I need to do what scares me and I need to take life by the horns and face it. Another quote: "You must do the thing you cannot do". Eleanor Rosavelt was pretty much a genius. It's so hard for me to do the things I am afraid of, but its important to do them or else my fears and anxiety will rob me of even more. I don't know when I will blog next, but I do know that in the mean time i'm going to do what I think I cannot do, just like Eleanor Roosevelt says.

Basal Ganglia

Cramming for my nerves system course final exam. This time of year is when the tics typically hit hard for those of us with TS. Right now i'm studying about the basal ganglia. How appropriate. Yep, this is definitely one of the brain strucutes that's gone haywire in my brain....

Basal ganglia -

-initiates desired movements and prevents unwanted movements

-consists of the caudate nucleus, putamen, globus palatus, and the amygdala 

-also inhibits unwanted mental activites such as innapropriate utterances and permit selected ones such as proper speech

Emotions

An emotional night tonight. Not because of Tourettes, but because of cancer. Cancer has become a big part of my life recently. While I myself am am so lucky to be healthy, the kids I love and that have touched me more than I can ever express live with the fact that cancer can take their lives every day. I've been working with these kids for about a year now, and for the first time am faced with the fact that one of them may not spend much more time on this earth. My first reaction was anger. It's just not fair that this 6 year old girl has battled brain cancer 2ce only to have run out of treatment options. Now that it's been a few weeks since I've heard this news I'm trying to come to terms with a way I can deal with it. It is something that I'm still working out. There is not one way to deal with something like this, nor is there a right way. 

Tonight I visited with a little girl who I know pretty well. She too has a very serious type of cancer and her doctors are trying all they can to help her beat it. Tonight she was wearing a cute shirt that said "jive, love, hope" and when I asked her what it said she told me to read it to her. Then she asked me "what is hope?". What a tough question to answer for this sweet girl. I had to think about it and try to phrase it in a way a 5 year old might understand. I eventually settled on telling her "hope means you know everything is going to be okay". This is an explanation that I think she can grasp, but was I telling her the truth? For a little girl with a very serious cancer that can claim her life, how can I sit there and tell her everything is going to be okay? Later that night she climbed on my lap and rested her head against me. She picked up several books and "read" them to me by making up stories. We played tea party, taped pictures we colored together on the wall of her hospital room, and pretended to have a sleep over. 

While yes, it is the reality that cancer may take her life, cancer cannot take that night from us. Cancer cannot take my memories of her or her mothers memories of her. Cancer cannot take our relationship away. Yes cancer can take her hair, her hearing, her skills, and it may even take her life, but even with this fact so real and present, there is hope. Not everything will be okay, but regardless of what happens this disease cannot and will not take everything. She is living, right here and right now, and the memories she makes and the lives she touches will last for an eternity because no one and nothing can ever take these things away.

October!

Small update. Not much to report which is always a good thing when it comes to Tourette's! My tics haven't been too bad and i'm just trucking along/ trying to make the most out of my last year of college! Senior trip is next weekend which I can't believe! Going to Chicago with a group of my college friends. Should be fun. Also this week is Tourette's week in my images of disability class. I'm a little nervous/ hesitant to have the whole class viewing TS movies and discussing them, but I'm getting over my nerves because I know how cool it is to have a class of college students become educated about TS because of me smile emoticon

We may not start the TS movie tomorrow because we're finishing up presentations from last week, but I'll update you and let you know how "Tourette's week" goes!