A rough day and a mean teacher...

Had a rough day of tics today and I was yelping loudly and jerking my body pretty violently in a good majority of my classes. It was a long long day and not a very fun one. I only have 3 more days left of official classes as a senior at my high school and I have SOOOO much work. Tests, projects, essays, exams, and much more. It is a very stressful time, so no wonder my tics are bad right now. To make matters worse, I had an incident with one of my teachers (Ms. P) that made me feel very self conscious and frustrated.

Ms. P is very very strict and gets mad when people try to leave to go to the bathroom during class. In my specialized learning plan though it specifies that if I need to leave the room when I am having a lot of tics that I can, no questions asked. Sometimes my tics just get really bad in class and I need to walk around, get a drink of water, and/or go somewhere to really let my tics out. The problem is that Ms. P is just so used to me yelping and jerking in class that I think she must have forgotten about this accommodation. My tics were getting really bad and I needed to get up and walk around so I asked to go to the bathroom, but like I said Ms. P forgot about my accommodation. I guess my yelps and jerks are so normal for her and everyone else in the class. This  can of course be a very good thing, but in this case it had its downside. She wouldn't let me leave the class at first and kept asking "Is it an emergency??" "Is it urgent??". What kind of question is this? I am a senior in high school and I should be allowed to leave the class without asking permission, any time I want, regardless of if I have accommodations or not! I was not going to say to the entire class "My tics are really bad and I need to get out of here walk around or pretty soon I am just about going to fall over and be writhing around on your floor!" Okay so maybe I am exaggerating just a bit here, lol.

Anyway by the time she eventually let me leave the classroom I was so flustered and anxious that I wasn't really  in the clearest state of mind. She asked me to bring my phone up to her desk so she knew I wasn't leaving to text, but because I was so ticcy and anxious I brought my computer up to her desk instead of my cell phone. Computer....cell phone....same difference when you are so ticcy you can't hold your body still or stay quiet for more than 5 seconds! Ms. P proceeded to laugh at me in front of the entire class though and make a total scene out of my mistake. I was so embarrassed that she was laughing at me like this in front of the whole class and pointing out my mistake in such an obvious way. Have a heart lady...... I'm yelping and jerking my body so bad that I feel like I am going to fall over any second now....the least of my worries is if I bring the right piece of technology to your desk. I quickly told her I didn't have my phone with me and rushed out of the classroom. It took me about 5 minutes to collect myself again to the point where I was only yelping and jerking moderately, but I knew I had to get back in the classroom because Ms. P would surely be mad if I stayed out longer.

When I got back in, Ms. P said "Well look who decided to join us again....." in a very derogatory manner. I must have looked like a dog with its tail in between its legs scooting back to my seat. Not my finest moment. I was so pissed but also embarrassed at the same time! I wanted to go to my friend the learning specialist and tell her the whole story and get all my anger out, but I only have three days left of school, what would be the point? Thank god I will never have to deal with Ms. P again after these next three days.

My best friend Tie Dye made me feel better when I told her the story of what had happened. She agreed that Ms. P was totally out of line and that it was really rude of her to act that way towards me. It's not that she has it out to get me though, Ms. P has it out to get all of her students in general. She's one of those teacher who just hates teenagers I guess, no matter what their situation.

Oh and on a side note, I got my first paying job besides babysitting today!!! I am going to be an usher at the Opera Theater company in my area!!! I am so excited because all the other ushers are my age and I will get to meet new people and make new friends hopefully! Yay!

Tics damaging my toes....yikes!!

So today I went to a doctors appointment for a problem I have been having for a while. About a year ago, I noticed that both of my big toe toes had large bruises under the toe nails and ridging of the nails as well. When I first went to the doctor, we thought my shoes were too big for my narrow feet and that my toes had been bumping up against the front of my shoes so I was told that I just need to get different shoes and wait for the nails to grow out. Well it's been a year now and my toe nails are still severely bruised with blood under the nails so I went back to the doctor to see if he had any idea as to what was going on.

My toe nails look so bad that my mom thought the doctor was going to have to do some horrible procedure and take them off or something! I was totally not convinced that this was what they were going to do though. Well the doctor didn't really have any new solutions for me right then and there, but he did give me new insight into the cause behind the chronic bruising. He said that based on the ridging and bruising, the trauma was being done to the base of each big toe nail and not to the top where we once had expected. He was baffled, lol, and actually said "This is quite a finding". We concluded that the cause must be Tourette's because that was the only thing that makes since. I must be bashing my feet up against the top of my shoe or against the side of my chair at school without being really aware of it. I have so many tics; how can I really keep track of them all?

So the doctor is sending me to a podiatrist (a doctor who specializes in feet) to see if he can come of for any type of solution for me. The doctor said the podiatrist may be able to give me specialized padding for the tops of my shoes to help soften the blows or maybe a suggest a special type of shoe.

Grrr I am so mad at Tourette's right now! My toe nails look so bruised and awful! I haven't been able to wear sandals, flip flops, or any type of shoe that shoes my toes for over a year now. My toe nails are soooo awful looking and I really don't want to keep bashing my feet up against the shoe, but I can't stop myself from doing it. Heck I wasn't even aware of that tic in the first place. Well hopefully the podiatrist will be able to come up with some type of solution. We'll see.

Visit to an all girls school helped me make my college decision!

Well I am finally back from my college trip. I guess I didn't blog about the trip before I went because I was so busy getting ready for it. I have been off visiting an all girls college l near Boston for the past 4 days. Two days I visited the college, and two days were travel days mainly. I am so relieved because I had narrowed it down to the all girls school and another college and I have finally made up my mind.  I am finally done with the college application process, FINALLY and OFFICALLY! I am sooooo excited!

I have to say I did not like the all girls school much. The all girls environment was strange and felt rather unnerving to me. It was almost intimidating in a way. The campus was so quiet and serious. It was like a nunnery or some sort of convent in a way. I am a good student who takes themselves very seriously, but this type of environment really lacked the excitement of college and in retrospect when comparing it to other colleges seemed rather dull  and dry. It felt like any second someone was going to say "Yes, Mary Margaret let's go to the dining hall and have some crumpets and tea". Not really my thing.

I see myself as someone who is much more down to earth and although I am not much of a drinker or partier, I like my fair share of excitement and activity. And although it was not the thought at the front most of my mind,  I kept thinking, "boy would my tics stand out here". There would have been a lot of places that would have been really hard for me to go to: the main library (which was absolutely silent), the smaller dining halls (which were like the dining halls you might find in a convent almost), the science center, many of the smaller libraries, and even the main student center where almost every voice was at a soft tone or a whisper.  There was a part of me that wondered "These girls are so serious and dedicated to their work. Would they just think of me as mere distraction or disruption to their success?"

There were so many other things that I didn't like about the college though besides those that were TS related.  I wouldn’t be able to minor in Creative writing, I would have to take mandatory PE classes, oh and the fact that there were NO BOYS.

Anyway, I am soooo excited about my final decision. I think I have made the right one for many reasons. the campus I decided on has excitement, a down to earth attitude, and seriousness at the same time that is not quite taken to such an extreme. The people there seem so much more accepting. And there are boys, lol. Don't get me wrong, I like my time with my girl friends and I am certainly  not boy crazy, but the boys add an extra layer of excitement and flirtatiousness to the campus. I have grown up with a brother my whole life, I have had romantic relationships with guys and friendships with guys as well.

My tics didn't pose a giant problem for the trip or anything which was really nice. I have been having a decent amount of motor tics but my vocal tics were pretty mild this week. I had a fair amount of comments on my motor tics and some on my more mild vocal tics but I just brushed the comments off and acted normal. I got  everything from "are you cold" and "are you getting a cold" to the more concerned "are you OKAY?". But I avoiding getting into the explanation of TS  and simply answered "maybe I was getting a cold" "yes I am a bit chilly" and "I'm fine". There was only one time during the whole trip that my yelping vocal tics came out and when I decided to actually explain.

When I was walking with a prospective student and a current student to the science building (which was quite a long walk) I could feel my bad yelping tics building up. I suppressed and suppressed and suppressed until it actually got to the point where it became awful painful . I had no choice and I had to let it out. I tried to disguise it as much as I possibly could, but the student's reaction was "Are you okay? Was that a sneeze?". The typical reaction. I tried to brush it off by just telling her I was okay and not explaining. I didn't feel like explaining because I wouldn't be seeing her ever again really. But it just got worse and worse and when I couldn't suppress any longer, my yelps came out loudly even though they were still semi-suppressed. I was expecting a reaction which I really did not want, but that's what happens when you start yelping out of the blue. And like I predicted, the student I was standing next to reacted. She jumped a bit and said "Oh my goodness, you have squeaky sneezes". I decided to take the opportunity to see how a Wellesley student would react to my tic explanation. So I explained and said "Actually I have tics...not like the bugs...like movements and sounds that just kind of happen". I didn't want to get to into the "I have Tourette's but I don't swear" explanation and this one seemed to fit better for the situation since I wouldn't really be seeing this girl again. The student was awesome about it though! She just treated it like normal which is the best reaction I can ask for most of the time. She was totally okay with it and said that she was sorry she kind of jumped and she really didn't mean to make me feel uncomfortable or anything and I told her that was totally fine because I do it all the time and sometimes even my friends still jump! She even put her hand on my back as a sweet kind of gesture letting me know everything was okay. This kind of experience really makes me feel like everything will be alright in college and that people are mature and understanding enough to really be accepting.

A good experience overall that helped me make my decision for college next year! I am soooo excited for college and I have a good feeling that I will make plenty of friends and people will accept me, tics and all, just like in high school!

Tourette's story about my friend who is compassionate and a great listener!

Tourette's Story time! Yay! Today my best friend Tie Dye wanted to tell me a funny story after school. She told me that she was in art class and a girl came in singing the part of the "Fergalicious" song that goes like "Woo-eee". Tie Dye was talking to her art teacher and somehow the "Woo-eee" got stuck in her head and while she was talking to her art teacher she randomly out of no where said "woo-eee" really loudly. She had no idea why she did this but said it must have gotten stuck in her head unconsciously and it just popped out. A brain blip. Everyone in the class started laughing and she turned really red.

Once she was done telling the story, I laughed a bit and then said "welcome to my world". Tie Dye was quiet for a few seconds then said "Oh, right. I guess so.  Maybe I understand a bit more now".

After she got dressed into her sports outfit for her tennis, she came out of the stall and said "I feel bad now because I realize how much I don't understand about what it's like for you". I told her not to feel bad, and we got into a heart-to-heart but at the same time casual conversation about my TS. I told her about people's usual reactions and about how some people stare but some people ask me "what was that?". She asked me how I usually respond to this and I told her it depends on the situation. If its someone who is important to me or someone who I may be spending more time with in the future and I think should know then I just explain it to them and tell them not to be concerned and that its not a huge deal or anything. If its someone who I don't know like someone from a lower grade who I don't think I will ever know to well I usually just play it off, don't really respond with much, and don't really go into a long explanation or an explanation at all. Sometimes people think I am sneezing and I just say "thanks" and let them think that I was just sneezing in an odd high pitched way.

We then got talking about staring. I told her it bothered me the most when people don't ask and just stare really obviously. I told her about earlier today when a girl just turned towards me and stared for like a solid thirty seconds in a really obvious way. I told her about how this is sometimes hard for me, and Tie Dye was so great to listen and talk with me. We gave the girl who stared a me a funny nick name "Gawker" which happens to be kind of similar to her last name. This made me feel better.

Anyway, I just loved how I was able to talk about it so openly with Tie Dye. She listened to me, helped me feel better about earlier that day when I was being stared at, and truly wanted to really understand more about what it's like to live with Tourette's. She will never cease to amaze me with her incredible compassion. The other day she told me she was listening to a sad song and started crying really hard because it reminded her about how much she is going to miss me when we go our separate ways to college. Of course we will still be friends, but we won't see each other every day like we do now. I can only hope that I meet people like her in college who I can become friends with.

Frustration!

So between yesterday and today I have had some frustrating times. Last night my brother used my OCD against me and I really really hate that. We had a fight over the TV. I wanted to watch TV since I had almost no homework and my brother thought I was playing it too loud. He told me if I didn't turn it off he would go in my room and bathroom and mess all my stuff up, in turn putting contaminated things on non-contaminated things and contaminating my entire room. Of course this would have just been more awful for me to bear, so I had no choice but to turn off the TV so he wouldn't contaminate my room. His exact words were "I don't care if you mess up my stuff, but you would care if I messed up your stuff because you have OCD". I hate it that he used my OCD against me and used it to get his way. I am worried he will do this in the future. If he does, I hate to say it, but he will win every time.

Today I am sitting in my regular hang out place but there are a few new girls in the room who don't usually hang out here at this time. Of course I am ticcing like usual and every time I do my yelping vocal tic this girl is looking over at me and just staring. I am fed up with it. It's so rude to stare is such an obvious way. A part of me just wants to say "I have Tourette's. You can stop staring now." but right now I just don't feel like getting into it. I feel weakened from last night and not too confident right now. I guess I will just let her stare. I hate it when people stare at me when I'm ticcing, but that's life. 

Three more Videos in the Tourette Vlog Chain Today! 23 year old Laura from the Netherlands!

So today we have three more videos in the Tourette Vlog chain! 23 year old Laura from the Netherlands made three Tourette vlogs. Her English is superb and she was in a Dutch TSA documentary as well. Soheck out her three new vlogs for the vlog chain! I promise they are worth watching! I hope to be getting even more vlogs in the next couple of weeks.


Tourette Vlog 1 by Laura- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzhhYqNNT3U 


Tourette Vlog 2 by Laura- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6OTTsRcxno


Tourette Vlog 3 by Laura -  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyy-sbmaaoo


Also here is a trailer to the Dutch TSA documentary Laura was in:

A Message From A Student In My Class! :)

As most of you know, I presented the Tourette documentary that I made to my senior class a few weeks ago. Today a girl in my class sent me this message:

"Hi. I know this is super delayed but I wanted to say how incredible your documentary was. My brother has a really mild tic from his add medication and I never knew what to say to make it easier for him. Your video showed me how acting normal is the key."

I was soooo happy that she told me about this and it was fantastic to hear that my documentary made a difference in another person's life. :)