Instructions/Questions Sheet for New Documentary "Tourette's and The Classroom"

Filming Instructions

As you review this instructions sheet, find the section/sections of guidelines and questions that apply to you. You will find the guidelines for filming the video directly below, and you will find the questions to answer in your video in the second part of the instructions sheet. Be sure to review all filming guidelines before beginning to film. After this, review the questions in the section/sections that apply to you. You do not have to answer all of the questions in the section that applies to you, so if there is a question that you feel uncomfortable answering, you can skip over it and move on to the next question. Please expand on your questions as much as possible—the more you talk the more of the documentary you can be in. Overall, just be yourself while answering the questions and don’t feel like you have to stick to the questions like a script. The questions are provided for you to serve as a springboard, so go in whichever direction the questions and your own emotions take you. Speak with emotion as much as possible and above all be yourself. Please limit the length of the video to about 7 minutes for each set of guidelines. The reason for this is that videos that are longer than 7 minutes are hard to transfer and edit, however it is perfectly fine (and in most cases encouraged) for you to send it multiple videos that are around 7 minutes in order to answer all the questions or talk about everything that you wish to talk about.

Guidelines for filming at home:

• If you plan to film a video for the documentary at home please follow these guidelines:
•  When filming, use your highest quality video camera or digital camera that can take video, if the only way you can film is with a cell phone then make sure to turn your cell phone sideways when filming 
• If you are a parent filming your child, a parent filming others, or a person with TS filming others either set the camera down on a sturdy structure when filming others or hold the camera very still so that there is no movement of the video camera
• Set the video camera down on a sturdy structure when filming yourself, do not hold the video camera and try to aim it at your face
• When filming, sit on a couch or at your kitchen table, don’t just sit on a chair in your room next to your computer
• Try to make sure the area that is seen on camera is cleanly and neat
• If possible, try to film somewhere in your house that is colorful and interesting
•  While you are filming, make sure there is no background noise such as music playing, people talking, people vacuuming, people mowing the lawn, or other background noises occurring that could be detected by the video camera (obviously don’t worry about vocal tics or any other noise made by ticcing though)

Guidelines for filming in a classroom:

If you plan to film a video in the classroom in addition to your video/videos in which you talk about TS please follow these guidelines:

• ·         Do not film with an iPhone or any type of cellular device
• ·         When filming, use your highest quality video camera or digital camera that can take video
• ·         Try to film in a classroom with minimal background noise
• ·         Either set the camera down on a sturdy structure when filming others or hold the camera very still so that there is no movement of the video camera
• ·         While you are filming, make sure there is no background noise such as music playing, people talking, people vacuuming, people mowing the lawn, or other background noises occurring that could be detected by the video camera (obviously don’t worry about vocal tics or any other noise made by ticcing though)
• ·         Have other people in the background

Guidelines for filming outside:

If you plan to film a video outside, please follow these guidelines:

• ·          Do not film with an iphone
• ·          When filming, use your highest quality video camera or digital camera that can take video
• ·          If you are a parent filming your child, a parent filming others, or a person with TS filming others   either set the camera down on a sturdy structure when filming others or hold the camera very still so that there is no movement of the video camera
• ·          Set the video camera down on a sturdy structure when filming yourself, do not hold the video camera and try to aim it at your face
• ·          When filming outside, try to film in an area with an interesting background (examples: an area with trees in the background, an area with bushes or greenery in the background)
• ·          Do not film in an area such as a parking lot, an ally, or in front of busy restaurants or stores
• ·          Try to film in an isolated area as much as possible in order to reduce background noise (for example don’t film next to a busy street or next to someone mowing their lawn)

Self-Filming Questions:

Self-Filming Questions for Parents of children with TS:

• ·          Say your name, where you are from (city, state, and country), and that you are a parent of a child with Tourette’s Syndrome
• ·          What was the first things you noticed that made you think something was wrong?
• ·          When was your child diagnosed with TS? And how did you feel when you got the diagnosis?
• ·          How old is your child and what grade is he/she in?
• ·          What were some of the challenges your child faced initially with the new diagnosis?
• ·          Does your child have a 504 or IEP? (optional)
• ·          What are some challenges that your child had to face in school and what was in like for you as a parent?
• ·          Does your child have associated conditions? How has your child’s associated conditions effected them in school?
• ·          What are some successes your child has had in school?
• ·          What do you think your child’s future will be like?
• ·           Have your child’s teachers been supportive and understanding of your child’s condition? Expand on this.
• ·          Have your child’s classmates been supportive and understanding?
• ·          Have you been happy with the way your child’s school in general has dealt with your child’s conditions?
• ·          How do you stay positive when your child is having a difficult time in school or in general with his/her TS?
• ·          How do you deal with negative reactions?
• ·          What advice would you give to parents who recently received a TS diagnosis for their child? What advice would you give them for dealing with TS in school?
• ·          Tell a story of a time when you were unhappy with someone’s reaction to your child’s TS in school or when you were particularly happy with someone’s reaction to your child’s TS in school.
• ·          Tell a story of when someone had a reaction that you did not expect.
• ·          Tell a story about a time when your child’s TS caused a particularly funny, interesting, upsetting, or surprising situation.
• ·          Anything else you want to tell people about what it’s like to have a child with TS?

Self-Filming Questions for Parents to ask their Children who have TS

(or for the kids to answer if they are filming themselves):

• ·          Have your child say their name, how old they are, what grade they are in, where they are from, and that they have Tourette’s Syndrome
• ·          What was it like for you when you were first diagnosed with TS?
• ·          What are some of your tics?
• ·          What does a tic feel like to you?
• ·          Do you have any associated conditions? If so, what are they?
• ·          How do your associated conditions affect you?
• ·          Do you hold your tics back in school at all?
• ·          Do you tic in class?
• ·          If you hold your tics back at school, do you have to let them all out when you get back home? What is this like for you?
• ·          Has anyone at school ever bullied you because of your tics, associated conditions, or just in general?
• ·          Are your teachers understanding and supportive about your tics and/or your associated conditions?
• ·          Are your friends at school okay with your tics? What do they think about the fact that you have Tourette’s?
• ·          What is the hardest part of having Tourette’s?
• ·          What is the best part?
• ·          When do you tic the most? The least?
• ·          What would you say to another kid your age who had just been diagnosed with TS? Would you give them any advice? What would this advice be?
• ·          What would you want other people who don’t have TS to know about having TS?
• ·          Anything else you want to tell people about what it’s like to have TS?
• 
  

Self-Filming Questions for Teens with TS:

·        Say your name, age, grade,  where you are from (city, state, and country), and that you have Tourette’s Syndrome

·        What was it like for you when you were first diagnosed with TS?

·        What are some of your tics?

·        What does a tic feel like to you?

·        Do you have any associated conditions? If so, what are they?

·        How do your associated conditions affect you?

·        Do you hold your tics back in school at all?

·        Do you tic in class?

·        If you hold your tics back at school, do you have to let them all out when you get back home? What is this like for you?

·        Has anyone at school ever bullied you because of your tics, associated conditions, or just in general?

·        Are your teachers understanding and supportive about your tics and/or your associated conditions?

·        Are your friends at school okay with your tics? What do they think about the fact that you have Tourette’s?

·        How do your classmates in school and in your classes react to your TS?

·        Are your classmates supportive and understanding or not so much?

·        What is the hardest part of having Tourette’s?

·        What is the best part?

·        When do you tic the most? The least?

·        When has the school environment been most supportive of your TS? Elementary school? Middle school? High school?

·        Has there ever been a time when you were disciplined in school because of your TS either before or after you were diagnosed? 

·        Do you have a 504/IEP?

·        What kinds of accommodations do you get in school?

·        Are your teachers supportive about implementing these accommodations and allowing you to use them?

·        What has been the most helpful accommodation for you in school? 

·        Is there an accommodation that you wish you could have now or wish you could have had in the past?

·        What have been some of your successes in school?

·        What have been some of your challenges in school?

·        Who was the best teacher you had and why?

·        Who was the worst teacher you had and why?

·        What would you say to another teen or child who had been recently diagnosed with TS? What advice would you give them in general and about school?

·        How do you stay positive when you are having a difficult time in school or in general with your TS?

·        How do you deal with negative reactions?

·        Tell a story of a time when you were unhappy with someone’s reaction to your TS in school or when you were particularly happy with someone’s reaction to your TS in school.

·        Tell a story of when someone had a reaction that you did not expect.

·        Tell a story about a time when your TS caused a particularly funny, interesting, upsetting, or surprising situation.

·        What would you want other people who don’t have TS to know about having TS?

·        Anything else you want to say about having TS?

Self-Filming Questions for College Students:

• ·          Say your name, where you are from (city, state, and country), and that you have   Tourette’s Syndrome
• ·          What was it like for you when you were first diagnosed with TS?
• ·          What are some of your tics?
• ·          What does a tic feel like to you?
• ·          Do you have any associated conditions? If so, what are they?
• ·          How do your associated conditions affect you?
• ·          What was school before college like for you when you were a kid (elementary school, middle school, high school)?
• ·          When was TS the most difficult for you in school before college and now in college?
• ·          When was it the least difficult before college and now in college?
• ·          Did you hold your tics back in school before college? How about now in college?
• ·          Did you tic in class before college? How about now in college?
• ·          How do you stay positive when you are having a difficult time in school or in general with your TS?
• ·          How do you deal with negative reactions?
• ·          How did your attitude change about your TS in school from elementary school to high school and college?
• ·          Were you ever bullied in school because of your TS or associated conditions before college?
• ·          Were your teachers understanding and supportive about your tics and/or your associated conditions before college? Are they now in college?
• ·          Who was the best teacher you had and why?
• ·          Who was the worst teacher you had and why?
• ·          Were your friends at school okay with your tics before college? What do they think about the fact that you have Tourette’s before college? How about now in college?
• ·          How did your classmates in school and in your classes react to your TS before college? How about now in college?
• ·          Were your classmates supportive and understanding or not so much before college? In college?
• ·          What is the hardest part of having Tourette’s?
• ·          What is the best part?
• ·          When do you tic the most? The least?
• ·          When has the school environment been most supportive of your TS? Elementary school? Middle school? High school? College?
• ·          Has there ever been a time when you were disciplined in school because of your TS either before or after you were diagnosed? 
• ·          Did you have a 504 or an IEP before college? Do you get accommodations in college?
• ·          What kinds of accommodations did you get in school before college? How about now?
• ·          Were your teachers supportive about implementing these accommodations and allowing you to use them before college? How about now?
• ·          What was the most helpful accommodation for you in school before college? What is the most helpful one for you now?
• ·          Was there an accommodation that you wish you could have had in school?
• ·          What is it like for you having larger lecture classes now? How does your TS affect you in this situation?
• ·          What is dorm life like for you? Does your TS or do your associated conditions effect dorm life?
• ·          How has it been making all new friends in college?
• ·          Did you choose to explain your TS to your new friends/new professors in college?
• ·          How have they been about it?
• ·          What were some of your successes in school? And now in college?
• ·          What were some of your challenges in school? And now in college?
• ·          Was college significantly different for you than school before college?
• ·          What is your major?
• ·          What are your goals for the future?
• ·          What advice would you give to someone who was just diagnosed with TS? What advice would you give them particularly about school?
• ·          Tell a story of a time when you were unhappy with someone’s reaction to your TS in school or when you were particularly happy with someone’s reaction to your TS in school.
• ·          Tell a story of when someone had a reaction that you did not expect.
• ·          Tell a story about a time when your TS caused a particularly funny, interesting, upsetting, or surprising situation.
• ·          What would you want other people who don’t have TS to know about having TS?
• ·          Anything else you want to say about having TS?
•  

Self-Filming Questions for Adults with TS:

• ·          Say your name, where you are from (city, state, and country), and that you have Tourette’s Syndrome
• ·          What was it like for you when you were first diagnosed with TS?
• ·          What are some of your tics?
• ·          What does a tic feel like to you?
• ·          Do you have any associated conditions? If so, what are they?
• ·          How do your associated conditions affect you?
• ·          How do you stay positive when you are having a difficult time in school or in general with your TS?
• ·          How do you deal with negative reactions?
• ·          What was school like for you when you were a kid (elementary school, middle school, high school, college)? 
• ·          When was TS the most difficult for you in school?
• ·          When was it the least difficult?
• ·          Did you hold your tics back in school?
• ·          Did you tic in class?
• ·          How did your attitude change about your TS in school from elementary school to high school and college?
• ·          Were you ever bullied in school because of your TS or associated conditions?
• ·          Were your teachers understanding and supportive about your tics and/or your associated conditions?
• ·          Who was the best teacher you had and why?
• ·          Who was the worst teacher you had and why?
• ·          Were your friends at school okay with your tics? What do they think about the fact that you have Tourette’s?
• ·          How did your classmates in school and in your classes react to your TS?
• ·          Were your classmates supportive and understanding or not so much?
• ·          What is the hardest part of having Tourette’s?
• ·          What is the best part?
• ·          When do you tic the most? The least?
• ·          When has the school environment been most supportive of your TS? Elementary school? Middle school? High school?
• ·          Has there ever been a time when you were disciplined in school because of your TS either before or after you were diagnosed? 
• ·          Did you have a 504 or an IEP?
• ·          What kinds of accommodations did you get in school?
• ·          Were your teachers supportive about implementing these accommodations and allowing you to use them?
• ·          What was the most helpful accommodation for you in school? 
• ·          Was there an accommodation that you wish you could have had in school?
• ·          What were some of your successes in school?
• ·          What were some of your challenges in school?
• ·          Was college significantly different for you than school before college?
• ·          What is your profession/job now?
• ·          Are you married? Do you have any kids? Do any of your kids have TS or associated conditions?
• ·          What advice would you give to someone who was just diagnosed with TS? What advice would you give them about school?
• ·          Tell a story of a time when you were unhappy with someone’s reaction to your TS in school or when you were particularly happy with someone’s reaction to your TS in school.
• ·          Tell a story of when someone had a reaction that you did not expect.
• ·          Tell a story about a time when your TS caused a particularly funny, interesting, upsetting, or surprising situation.
• ·          What would you want other people who don’t have TS to know about having TS?
• ·          Anything else you want to say about having TS?

Self-Filming Questions for those who home school:

• ·          Say your name, where you are from (city, state, and country), and that your child has Tourette’s
• ·          Use the questions from “Self-Filming Self-Filming Questions for Parents to ask their Children who have TS (or for the kids to answer if they are filming themselves) and adapt these questions to fit your child’s situation and to fit homeschooling
• ·          When was your child diagnosed with TS? And how did you feel when you got the diagnosis?
• ·          How old is your child and what grade is he/she in?
• ·          What were some of the challenges your child faced initially with the new diagnosis?
• ·          How do you stay positive when you are having a difficult time in school or in general with your TS?
• ·          How do you deal with negative reactions?
• ·          Why did you choose to homeschool your child?
• ·          Was your child ever in regular school? What was it like for him/her?
• ·          What is it like homeschooling a child who has TS?
• ·          What is it like for your child to do group activates like sports, religious school, or play dates?
• ·          How do you think homeschooling has benefited your child?
• ·          Would you suggest homeschooling for others?
• ·          Do you plan to homeschool your child permanently until college or do you plan to move your child into the regular school setting eventually?
• ·          What do you think/hope your child’s future will be like?
• ·          What advice would you give to a parent who had just received a diagnosis of TS for their child?
• ·          Tell a story of a time when you were unhappy with someone’s reaction to your child’s TS in school or when you were particularly happy with someone’s reaction to your child’s TS in school.
• ·          Tell a story of when someone had a reaction that you did not expect.
• ·          Tell a story about a time when your child’s TS caused a particularly funny, interesting, upsetting, or surprising situation.
• ·          What would you want other people who don’t have TS to know about having TS?
• ·          Anything else you want to say about having TS?

Questions for filming others:

Questions for filming your teachers/professors:

• ·          What was your perception of Tourette’s before you had me as a student?
• ·          Have you had students in the past who have had Tourette’s?
• ·          What is it like having a student with TS in your class?
• ·          What would you tell other teachers about having a student in the class about TS? What advice would you give them if they were going to have a student with TS in their class and had never experienced this before?

Questions for filming your child’s teachers:

• ·          What was your perception of Tourette’s before you had a child with TS as a student?
• ·          Have you had students in the past who have had Tourette’s?
• ·          What is it like having a student with TS in your class?
• ·          What would you tell other teachers about having a student in the class about TS? What advice would you give them if they were going to have a student with TS in their class and had never experienced this before?

Questions for filming your parents:

• ·          What was your perception of TS before you had a child with TS?
• ·          What was it like/how did you feel/how did it affect you when I was diagnosed?
• ·          What was the first thing/ the first things you noticed that was out of the ordinary with me?
• ·          What do you think my experience in school is like as a result of my TS?
• ·          Is there any time you can think of specifically when my TS made it more difficult for me in school?
• ·          What is it like being in public with me when I am ticcing?

Questions for filming siblings or other family members:

• ·          What was your perception of TS before you knew me?
• ·          What is it like having a sibling/family member with TS?
• ·          What was it like when you were younger and maybe didn’t understand it as much?
• ·          Do you think my experience in school is any different than your experience in school as a result of my TS?
• ·          What is it like being in public with me when I am ticcing?

Questions for filming your friends:

• ·          What was your perception of TS before you knew me?
• ·          What is it like having a friend with TS?
• ·          Do you notice my tics a lot still or have you gotten used to them?
• ·          What would want other people to know about what it’s like to have a friend with TS?
• ·          Tell a story about a time when TS caused a particularly funny, interesting, upsetting, or surprising situation for us.
• ·          What is it like being in public with me when I am ticcing?

Video submission instructions:

1.       Upload your final video/videos to YouTube as unlisted videos.

2.       Contact both of us by email or by facebook with your full name and the link to the unlisted video.

3.       Subject of email must be “TS Documentary”

If you have any questions, feel free to contact Logan Kurtz via email at logan@definitepossibilities.com or phone (818) 473-9065. Check out Logan’s Facebook page “Help Spread the word about Tourette's Syndrome (https://www.facebook.com/Help.Spread.the.word.TS).

You can also contact Ruthie P. at jspershing93@gmail.com or though the Facebook page “A Little Bit Different Tourette’s Syndrome (http://www.facebook.com/pages/A-Little-Bit-Different-Tourettes-Syndrome/164459540340080).

My Post on TSF Canada's Blog

So, I guess it's my turn to guest blog on another blog! I have had a few people guest blog on my site, but now it's my turn! My blog post called "Implementing my Winter Strategies" about how I use strategies to help with my tics and compulsions during the winter was recently posed on The Tourette Syndrome Foundation of Canada's Blog! I was really excited to see this because not only does this mean that a lot more people will be reading my blog post, but also I will be helping more people as well. If you want to check out my post of TSF Canada's blog click on this link: http://tourette.ca/blogs/blog/2012/10/17/strategies-for-coping-with-tics-compulsions-in-the-winter/

I like the picture that they added! :)

Making a New Tourette's Documentary with Logan Kurtz!

Logan Kurtz and I are making a documentary about TS in the classrooms. We want perspectives from all ages, you can participate anywhere you live by filming yourself and sending in your video. If you want to film yourself we will happily provide questions to answer in the video and crieria for filming. Let us know if you are interested by commenting on this post or messaging me through my facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/A-Little-Bit-Different-Tourettes-Syndrome/164459540340080?fref=ts

Implementing my Winter Strategies

So, I was hoping to put off having to implement my usual winter strategies for a little bit longer, but it's really getting cold outside where I live and my usual compulsion/ tic combo that gets bad in the winter is on a rampage. Every year in the winter since I was 4 or 5 years old, I've have a lot of issues with my lips and with picking.

Every winter is when my tics with my lips get really bad. Some of the things I do with my lips edge more towards the compulsion side of the spectrum and some edge more towards the tic side of the spectrum. In the winter time I bite skin off my lips, I lick my lips, I rub my hands against my lips, I rub my shirt sleeve against my lips, and I pick skin off my lips. I also pick on my skin on my ears more in the winter as well.

I'm not exactly sure why this particular combo of tics and compulsions gets so bad in the winter time, but its probably a combination of the fact that it's cold outside and I'm more stressed in the winter time because I have more homework and tests. So in the winter, I usually have to implement two important strategies to try keep my lips from constantly chapping and bleeding and to try keep the skin on my ears healthy.

The first strategy is that I try to keep the Bert's Bees chap-stick with peppermint on my lips almost 24/7. Bert's Bees chap-stick with peppermint is actually the only chap-stick that I am able to use, because all other chap-sticks really bother my Sensory Processing Disorder and are just intolerable. The Bert's Bees helps keep my lips moist, helps me keep my hands off my lips, and helps me keep from biting and licking my lips.

Sometimes though the tic/compulsion is too strong for the Bert's Bees to keep me from doing my lip tics/compulsions so that's where strategy number two comes in. Strategy number two is to keep at least two rubber bands on my wrist at all times. When the urge to pick, bite, lick, or rub my lips is too strong, and I notice myself starting to do these things, I pull the rubber band on my wrist back and snap it against my skin. It doesn't hurt too much, but over time it helps me associate the tic/compulsion with negative pain. Also the rubber bands on my wrist can help keep my hands busy if I fidget with the rubber bands. While this doesn't completely stop the tics/compulsions associated with my lips and with picking my skin, it does help reduce them. In the past though these strategies haven't been completely effective and many times during the winter i've given up with them and just stopped using them because of frustration that they don't help as much as I'd hoped.

So today is the first day this year that I've started to implement these strategies. Hopefully they will be more effective this year than they have been in the past. Wish me luck! And maybe if you have similar tics/compulsions to these that I just mentioned, you can try out these strategies and see if they help for you.

My Personal Essay: "Not in Spite of My Challenges"

Hey everyone! So as promised I am posting my personal essay that I turned in today for my writing one class. It's about my experiences in the classroom with Tourette's. Some parts are not 100% the way it actually happened and there are some facts that are a little altered for the purpose the the essay. Most of it though is very true and it took a lot to actually put it all down on paper. Of course all of the details about my life in the classroom with TS couln't fit into this 4 page paper (because the limit was 4 pages) but I think it's a pretty decent summery. Let me know what you guys think and what your thoughts are about the essay!

Not In Spite of my Challenges

Second grade was the year that was rainforest themed. A good portion of the first week of school was spent making chains out of strips of dark green construction paper that we taped together in rings to put up around the classroom like vines hanging from a canopy of trees. I was pretty good at taping rings of construction paper together and I remember my teacher, her short curly hair and long fingernails painted a sudden red, smiling down at me as I sat cross legged on the carpeted floor. I felt like this year could be different. The classroom was so alive with the vines swinging above our heads as the air conditioning fluctuated and there were stuffed rainforest animals scattered about the room on bookshelves and on beanbags. At any moment I felt as if cool thick rain drops could drip down from the vines and like my favorite song they would turn into sweet gumdrops. I would even imagine myself swinging from the vines with the stuffed animals that would come to life and become my friends so easily. This fantasy world however, soon became an escape from the classroom, just as other fantasy worlds had in years before. Every year, my real friends were animals in my head and there was a much kinder and more exciting world waiting for me when I needed to get away from the disapproving stares and comments that I didn’t quite understand. Second grade was the year I figured out that I really was different than the other kids.

                In second grade, I didn’t understand much about myself or the other people around me. I didn’t understand why things changed so much after that first week. I had had so much fun helping to create our classroom rainforest and my teacher even seemed to like me at first. Had everyone suddenly decided they no longer liked me or had it taken me a week to figure out that everyone seemed to disapprove of me for some unknown reason? I wasn’t quite sure. All I knew was that after the first week of school, the kids started giving me these looks. I had seen these looks before, but this year the kids seemed to be more articulate, more willing to say what was on their mind. They told me I was annoying and when I asked why, this time they weren’t afraid to tell me exactly what was on their minds. They told me that I sniffled too much, moved my face too much, and made weird slurping sounds too much. I hadn’t even noticed that I was doing these things or that they were anything different than what regular kids do, but one thing I had noticed was that year upon year I seemed to hear one particular word from so many of my classmates: annoying.

                From that point on, I used our rainforest classroom as an escape more and more. In my mind, I would curl up in the immense canopy of the rain forest to take a nap or to read with my two best friends, Duke and Duchess, the giant black Great Danes who could roam from tree to tree like the spider monkeys I had learned about in class. When the other kids told me to stop sniffling so much or told me time and time again that I was annoying, I would pretend to pet Duke and Duchess, whose fur felt as soft as powdered sugar.  I told myself that Duke and Duchess would never say such things to me. Duke and Duchess were always my friends, and even if I couldn’t stop myself from doing things that seemed annoyed the other kids so much, Duke and Duchess didn’t mind one bit.

                Each year of elementary school I told myself things would be different, Duke and Duchess wouldn’t be my only friends, and class would be easier for me. Each year however, I seemed to be wrong.  I had a few friends each year, but it was difficult for them to understand why I couldn’t stay still in class or why I couldn’t stop myself from making annoying noises.  I didn’t blame them though, because I didn’t really understand it myself either. As I got older, the classroom was no longer decorated with colored construction paper, and it was no longer a mysterious rainforest or a magical dessert.  There were now overhead projectors, desks lined up in straight rows, and a layer of pressure and silence that seemed to hang over the classroom. The kids weren’t the only ones who seemed to disapprove of me anymore, the teachers did too. My teachers were convinced that I wasn’t paying attention in class because I was moving around too much or using my fingers to write out “fake words” on my desk during class. To them I was a disruption for the other students in the classroom and a hassle for them to deal with. I was always moving and making noises, my handwriting was impossible to read, I didn’t understand math, I started having severe anxiety and panic attacks, and I was obsessive. For me, the classroom became a narrow vacuum of space in which the air was often sucked out pocket by pocket.

 Neither my teachers nor I knew it at the time but I had something called Tourette’s Syndrome, a lifelong neurological disorder that causes involuntary movements and sounds called tics, learning disorders, and anxiety disorders. At the time however, Tourette’s wasn’t understood by most people and certainly wasn’t understood by my peers or teachers. At the time, everyone perceived Tourette’s to be a disorder that just caused people to swear uncontrollably. Only highly trained neurologists knew that only 10% of people with Tourette’s actually have swearing tics and that more times than not the physical tics could be less severe than the other conditions it came along with like learning disorders, obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety disorders, and sensory processing disorder. It wasn’t until high school that I would actually have a certain diagnosis, and that people would begin to have a more accurate understanding of Tourette’s, but it was a long time before high school when realized I needed to stop waiting for someone to give me an answer. I was convinced that I was the only one with these problems and sometimes this was a rather lonely and hopeless kind of thought. Most of the time I tried not to think about the fact I was different than the other kids, but sometimes I would slip into a stream of consciousness in which I considered myself to be just a weird, nervous, annoying kid who no one understood.

I can pinpoint the point in time in which I promised myself that I would no longer slip into the mindset of feeling hopeless and sorry for myself. I only allowed myself to cry in the shower, when I was surrounded by stark white walls and the heavy falling water coming from the shower head. I could cry as much as I wanted to, because no one would hear me over the sound of the gushing water. It was in 7^th grade however, that I let myself do this for pretty much the last time. I remember crying in the shower and thinking to myself how much I wanted to be a person who was smart, confident, and just someone that other people liked. I knew at this point that I couldn’t control what my body did at times, I couldn’t control what my mind worried about at times, and school was just a lot harder for me than it seemed to be for other people. Crying and feeling sorry for myself in the shower this time was not so different than the many times before it, but this time something in my mind just clicked. I made a decision that night. I made a decision that I would no longer feel sorry for myself because I was going to be the one in control from now on. I couldn’t change the fact that my body seemed to have a mind of its own, but I could change how I dealt with it.

From that point on I promised myself that I was going to succeed in whatever I set out to do, not because of luck or because I was just that kid who didn’t have to try to get an A on a test, I was going to succeed because I would push myself to succeed no matter what it took. I wasn’t going to be that twitchy kid who sits in the back of the classroom and has trouble in school anymore. One day, I was going to be a smart successful woman who people admired and liked even if I had tics and twitches and an obsessive nature that I couldn’t really control. I knew this change wasn’t going to happen overnight, and it didn’t, but I didn’t mind or even notice the wait that much because I was too busy pushing myself forward in every way I knew. I wish I could put into words how I was able to force this change upon my life and upon myself, how I was able to change my grades from C’s to all A’s, gain the respect of my peers and teachers, and begin to exude confidence in a way that I never had before. All I really know is how much I desperately wanted and needed this change in my life. The classroom became a place in which I excelled and was no longer afraid of and most importantly my view of myself changed. I no longer saw myself as a weird, annoying, twitchy kid who no one understood. Instead, I saw myself as a determined and resilient person, not in spite of my challenges, but because of them.