Monday, May 20, 2013

Two important conversations with my mom. Accepting TS.

So last night I had a conversation with my mom about TS that really upset both her and myself. We were not communicating well last night and both of us got angry and frustrated. 

I had another conversation with my mom about TS though this morning. I think we really got somewhere this time. I was not ready to just accept that she would never accept that I have TS. So I talked to her about how I was feeling and she talked to me about how she was feeling as well. 

I think we came to a solid understanding. I understand now that her frustration stems from the fact that she didn't know I had TS and its associated conditions as a child. She told me she wished she had known when I was a child that I had TS because then she could have gotten me proper therapy for my sensory processing disorder, OCD, and TS.

It's hard for her to admit to herself that I have TS because that means to her that she knows she could have done so much more for me as a child and she could have been more understanding of my behavior. When I was young she did not understand that my fear of fast movements, sports, elevators, and stairs was a result of my sensory processing disorder. She didn't understand my anxiety and OCD and tics. She thought I wanted attention and that I was being manipulative and she blames herself for thinking this instead of getting me the help I needed.

I went to occupational therapy as a child for a short period of time but she said if she had known what she knows now should could have kept me in OT longer and started me with an OT at even a younger age. She thinks she could have done more for me and she blames herself for not knowing what was going on with her child and she blames my father for not telling her that my behaviors were a result of the genetic predisposition that his family has for TS+.

I think now that we both understand this, we can both understand each other better. I now know that she really knows I have TS+ and has known that deep down for a long time. There is just a part of her that didn't want to believe it because it means that she blamed me as a child for things I could not control. I really think she is moving towards true acceptance though. She knows that I really do have TS+ because she has seen it all along. She knows that I should tell others, including my future boy friends or future husband because she knows first hand what it was like not to know that her husband had TS/OCD and that her children had a strong predisposition for TS/OCD. After this conversation I think we both understand our feelings better and we both understand each other better. We really made progress today and I am very happy about that.

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